The 18th day

 9:07 AM 1/18/2023 The morning routine has calmed down for a moment, allowing me to review my notes. If it wasn't for having children of my own, and kids that have counted on me in my past relationships, I don't know if I would care the way I care in these times. Just because I don't have them in my everyday life doesn't mean that I have no responsibilities. It's the weight of the world felt because of my care for them. There's always something that can be done. And, one day they will look back at these things I write, to see how much I cared- how much I loved them. It's the only hope I have left, and fantasizing that they actually will read them is the comfort that I give myself. 

It's pretty cold in the house but I am not turning up the thermostat when I can put on clothes- or more clothes which is what I am about to do. Yes, take off the world war 2 wool lined army coat that I am wearing like a robe with my pajamas. Time for pigeon patrol and housekeeping. 9:14

10:38 A small puddle of piddle on the kitchen floor tells me that Julie didn't let Riley out when she got up for work. Maybe I'm wrong. Does it really matter?

Pepsi cans overflow from a sixty count cardboard egg box that they have been collecting for days, while the two empty pepsi cases lie under the coffee and microwave station. 

Waiting to be taken out are the overflowing recycling bin and full trash can.

Another plastic gallon sized milk jug, and more Pepsi cans are in the sink and on the counter among the cereal bowls and spoons that never got rinsed out. 

The kitchen is always my first point of cleaning the house. Returning to the crockpot of dishes and soapy water from yesterday, the chipping away begins. Thoughts of people washing dishes in the creek flash before me while I use yesterday's water. Saving water is always a game I play, washing in a pot and minimizing how much is needed to rinse them. It's a mental exercise imagining how much water we could conserve if we tried just a little. 

Typically, we shower together but I don't usually start my day with a shower, and haven't showered in three days. There's really no sense in it but for the soaking in the hot water. And, if I needed a shower, I would take one. I've no plans of impressing anyone, and I've got too much to do. Besides, I need a haircut and beard trim. And, it;s much more enjoyable to end the day with a shower. It's nice to smell the scents from the night before, a small souvenir from nature.

After spending a little time with Fitbit, the discovery was made. Yes, it's wonderful but it costs $120.00 a year. They give you the first 6 months free, gym membership and everything but most people forget about canceling and they know that, so its all about generating sales and taking the profit where they know they will get it. It's a very cool device, oh yeah. Alexa is there with the push of the button, and I can ask anything I want. It's practically magic, and everyone is hypnotized by it. Here I have been, frustrated with being part of it and trying to  disconnect, and then they send me this free dope to try.

The dining room table is somewhat organized, with little sorted piles of mail to go through, and various vehicle keys. The table is a mere catch-all, and I'm a fool to often waste it as a work station because the television isn't in front of it.

The pigeons coo loud enough to be easily heard in the quiet of the house, and Riley takes his lookout post to check out the blinds, as he does. 

The floors are the last thing I clean, and later I'll clean them but the house is in general good shape.

Making the bed, and straightening the room, I gather up the cups and pop cans while dusting and emptying the ash tray. Salvaging a pack of crackers from the ashes, her side is done.

The sheets and pillows on my side are damp with sweat, so my side is left open to air.

A few shirts for the laundry, and last nights cup. Empty the ashtray and dust the table off, the room is done.

The bathroom pretty much always stays clean because everytime I'm in there, I straighten it up. Just like my great grandma cleaning up after I was at her house- the clay tile that I put under the boughs of the big pine, where I use the bathroom outside. 

It's always been, "come in, stay in. go out, stay out," ever since I can remember.

"You're letting the heat out," I'd always here when it's cold. 11:06

11:11 Forgetting to reset the button on the coffee pot, it's gone off and now the coffee is luke warm. There's a lot of noise in the bird pen downstairs for a moment but I don't go look. The clock's second hand ticks with a clicking sound and all is quiet until the fridge kicks on. 11:13

11:17 It finally dawns on me that it's colder in the house than it should be, so I look at the thermostat. 

"Batt  critical," it says on the screen. It's a smart device that's part of the house and the door locks. 

After changing three AA batteries, it says that it's 60 degrees, and 51% humidity. And here I was thinking that it was just a drafty old house, which it is.

Rent is a thousand, and all of the new windows were not installed properly. The place is costing us added expenses. And, with all of the news hype about the fuel prices, I refuse to turn it up just to lose it out the windows. I just put on the clothes I need and pretend I'm living out in the wilderness.

A lot of time gets wasted while exploring the house in my travels. The various tasks that are everywhere to be done overwhelm me, and I often don't know where to focus my time. Balancing time spent chasing dreams, animal care, laundry, dishes, recycling and trash is a huge task that takes the entire day, and you never get anywhere but back where you started. And then you remember your Harley, and the probabilty of sex at the end of the day to shut yourself up from complaining. Be thankful and relax because the end comes too soon. 11:28

12:05 Sometimes, when I am feeling at odds, I revisit shows that I made. The show I watched, one of two, was The Good Stuff And, it was good stuff. 

My new friend/musician/technical guy, Brandon, sent me a message regarding how he feels about knowing me. It was just what I needed, so I sent him The World of Music to see what he has to say. The performance was totally spontaneous. It's very comical. Plus, the fact that it's all real.

The key to slowing life down is your "hobbies". It goes back to that ol "watched pots never boil" thing. Like waiting for the egg to hatch or the day you get to harvest whatever you planted. It's the same thing in prison, the dragging calender days. At any idle minute you grab something else in your hand to navigate your mind- a guitar... another hobby. Turn the dictation of time into a playground instead of a prison. Television takes over where hobbies do not exist, and I contemplate making another video. 12:34

3:33 Did another test-run show to see how I am coming along with my camera alteration needs. Recording had stopped, and I have yet to see why or review the recording. Test Run 2 was fairly valuable because of the things I talked about- slowing life down, for instance.  Brian and Chris were there watching, and commenting. It was nice to have them comment because they are witnesses to my evolving. They were there, drinking whiskey with me.

Cooing pigeons and the ticking clock, Riley lays upright on the lazyboy like the Sphinx, and we speak with our eyes. He is patiently waiting. 3:40

4:30 Julie's been home for a few minutes, and Riley barks his command to throw a toy that he got in his stocking this year. Friends is on YouTube TV, and the routine is in progress. Time to write, if I can focus.

We had a short chat about her throwing up again, at lunch. And, how the egg hasn't hatched yet.

That was a good subject that led back to the fitbit. Showing off what it can do, I press the button and ask Alexa how long it takes a pigeon egg to hatch. 

"...18 days," she said, and Julie was surprised.

"You found the egg in the morning," remember.

"Yes, so that means it should be hatched by the morning, I would expect."

We'll see but I know I will be sad if it doesn't. Oh well, it's part of the experience, and part of the emotional adjustment it takes to accept the things that are probable to happen no matter what you do. Like having to kill your own chickens etc... you get over it because it's about the truth you cannot deny but must endure.

Riley barks, and I feel guilt. The toy is at Julie's feet but she doesn't see it. I thow it but he brings it to her, perched up at the footstool with the toy. Then to drop it right on her foot, and lay just in front of her foot. He barks a couple yipes at her, and then goes to the next room near the table, while he waits for her to throw it again. 

I manage to get her optical attention, motioning to the toy and then to him with a flick of my hand. 

She responds, and he just gets it and brings it over to me, where I laid on my right side with his toy. And, knowing that we two only hear.  His head laid on his paws, he let out a breath of defeat. I reach over and stroke his head to his neck, and he looks up at me. 4:42

4:55 Having forgotten my bowl of bean soup in the microwave, I retrieve it and begin eating while listening to the television coming from the bedroom, where my girl retires in bed with her devices.

Riley lays next to me, at ease. I can see that his bowl near my feet has very few kibbles, and realize that I have also forgotten him. Fetching a scoop, he is waiting at the entrance to the kitchen with alertness and wanting. We sit and I scoop out a few spoonfuls of soup onto his food.

After a few exchanges of glances, and back and forth at the food, I tell him it's hot. He then goes on to eat it.

Fox news fills the air with the sound of that judge lady's big mouth, and the neighbor pulls up to the curb.

Riley barks from the next room, staring at me with a foot pulled up to his chest. He wants something over there but then goes into the bedroom.

Eating more soup, I begin thinking about the birds again... waiting for the pot to boil is a drug all it's own. 5:05

5:18 No word from Sarah, and no hatchling yet. Wandering from room to room, I hear Julie sneeze. Going in there to bless her, being seen and heard over the TV, a jacket and shirt lay across the end of the bed. Moving to hanging up the clothes, not another word is spoken but Riley is excited, getting on the clothes that I am tending as he speaks to me. 

It's a lonely house but for the animals, and waiting to be of need... I guess I'll make popcorn and turn on the living room TV. There might be something worth watching that will trigger my mind where it may. Bedtime will come soon, and then there's the dreams. Dream time is really something extremely special, like a treasure all its own that no one can take. 5:26 

 5:36 Popcorn fills the air with the scent, and I hope that I haven't over-seasoned it. John Paul Jones ends, and Revolution, with Al Pacino, is next.

Julie has actually been asleep or so it appears, for the last several minutes- television is still playing the news. Riley sleeps at the foot of the bed, waiting for me to move into that room but life for me is like a song, where I've got the inro, fill, and a chorus but I just can't find the progression that will leave a nice ending. Feeling incomplete, and unfruitful, I adjust to the spirit in my idea of releasing. 5:40

5:53 Julie gets up to get her shot from the fridge, the one she injects in her stomach for diabetes. Her phone rings, it's one of two brothers. They never speak to her unless it's about something she needs to do for them, like taxes and social security issues. She's back to the iPad and television, and another cigarette.

Pacino and a young boy are recruited to fight in a war, no choice but of death either way.

It's six at night, and it's black out. The anticipation of Spring is a prize. 6:10

6:14 The Crazy Pigeon Lady, from YouTube, messages back to my comment and Riley comes from the bedroom, to my lap's left side. He's telling me that he wants to go out, then gets down to sit in front of the door. 

"Out," he says with his vocal ability.

The fighting has begun, canon smoke fills the air on TV. British flags waving, as lines of ranks march with guns forward. 

Pacino and their army is dressed in rags behind tree stumps, and long rifle bayonets keep charging toward them. The boy is a flag bearer, nearly mowed down.

They retreat to the forest to regroup, while the red coats feel they have triumphed once more.

Riley barks to come in, waiting for me to respond. 6:22

The bad disc in my neck sends nerve impulses into my left shoulder, reminding me of my mortal wounds from the accident. It's subtle, and only reminds me that I am getting old. And, how one more surgery could be my end. The meds could cause a relapse, and who knows what would happen. Choosing the pain awhile longer is what a man always does. 6:26

The Revolutionary War divided so many families, and no one learned a thing. Arguments sold to the masses keep all of man divided. And every boy thinks he's a man in a world where their examples are fools. And soon Grandfathers will take the blame because all hell broke out while they were napping. And they kids all discarded his tools for what was easy. 6:37

7:18 Tom and Ned have been saved by the natives. Julie's back to sleep, and I review some videos from the memory files- One Year Ago today. It's a great reflection to fight feelings of worthlessness. Almost 2 years of sobriety is a huge accomplishment- 396 days or so. In today's world, it's a huge deal especially if you were where I've been, using how I used. Having been dead six times, it's a demand that I have work to do- not being allowed to die. Not having anything but a primal urge to keep going, I've no idea what I am working towards but for something positive, in essence "to please the lord". 

Riley barks at me, then goes on to molest Baby Yoda like he does for a moment. Then he brings it to me, wanting me to throw it. He catches it but then goes back to humping.

Cabin fever is recognized, as I sit here. And it feels like Spring outside. That all means that it's time for me to focus on building the aviary. That will reward me with satisfaction, renewed every time I go out there. 7:28