23 months

9:24 AM 1/22/2023

Waking at 7, I climbed from bed to turn the lights on for the birds, greeted them and then went back to bed.

There were thoughts running through my mind from my dreams that I should've written down but didn't, thinking I would remember later.

Around 8, I got out of bed to Riley's cue to go outside. 

Snow has covered everything with a thin blanket of small grainy flakes, and the chilly wind blows against me as I let Riley out into the backyard. He runs right to the loose slat in the fence, where he can sniff and see into the yard next door. The neighbors dogs are of interest to him, which he always checks for. The space created by the loose slat is big enough for them to grab him and pull him to their side where he'd be torn to shreds. They are huge, and aggressive dogs.

As I write, he sits on the couch to my left. His haunches set on the cushion while his front feet are on my arm. He paws the back of my left hand, then jumps down to face me with a small pleading bark for attention.

Checking in on a Youtube update from Philip Freedom, I see he has had a tragedy that cost him the life of one of his birds, and two developing eggs.

Julie is doing her routine- Fox News and the iPad, nestled in bed.

Reality to deal with as it is, I will now just do what I do with the understanding that my spirit is what's important and nothing else matters but after reading about the Yanomami people... I wonder if I should go there to the rain forest- where the fighting matters. 9:41

10:20 The shower was great, and now I am dressed and groomed but for shoes. The gothic shirt I've been wearing for two days has a pleasant body scent, so I put it back on.

Riley asks to go out, and I see that the snow has accumulated to an inch. The teenage boy across the street is sweeping off his car.

"The kids put dog turds on the segue wheels," comes from Scorpion- one of Julie's shows that she loves.

She came into the bathroom when I was warming up the shower, commenting to Riley about needing a bath but she never joined me for the fun. And, washing the dog is a two person job.

While in the shower, I recount my existence- having been given a great gift when I was in the auto accident. It's just enough of a thought to help assert myself for the day- to enjoy what I may where I can. That means taking time for breakfast.

Having taken bacon out of the freezer days ago, an omelette sounds good. And, it's Sunday which means I am supposed to take time to reflect on the spirit and the consciousness by caring for my "temple". 

My thoughts are distrubed by the bouncing sound of Jenny calling Julie's iPhone. My first test of the day is shielding myself from her negative energy. 10:32

10:35 It's hard to play the role of a dependant in a society where he who has the gold makes the rules, knowing that when shit hits the fan I am the one left to make sense of the broken pieces in order to put everyone at ease. 

Something is wrong with Julie's mother, and there is mention of the emergency room. She is in the wrong place but it appears as though her daughter is capitalizing on her grandmother's income to stabilize her own seemingly selfish existence.

There is no end in sight, as to the closure regarding the custody of the great grandchildren. And the debts incurred are not directly my affairs or knowledge. Certainly, I'll find out through the disasters that have yet to reveal themselves.

After the call, she tells me that her mother is shakey again, and having trouble breathing. It's been my preparation that she won't be here much longer.

Julie gathers up a basket of laundry, asking if I had any to add. And then set it in the kitchen, where it's my understanding that I'm the one that's always delegated to take it up and down the stairs.

Time to cook and clean the kitchen. 10:40

11:57 Church service just ended. Making a change in the world begins with where you are. Like a flower that blooms, making people take notice byway of the colors. The eyes that witness it are sometimes seeds that cause they themselves to bloom elsewhere- where others might see, and continue to spread farther and farther until that flower is blooming around the world. Shedding ourselves from the media and devices removes the variety of pains and the trauma of over-stimulating our senses. 12:01

3:42 Scorpion is still on, and I'm fiddling here and there. The pigeons are pecking oyster shells that I just crushed with a hammer since they come a little bit large for them, I think. It's crushed oyster for chickens and poultry. 

All of the water was just changed, washing out and returning their bath after debating with myself about how often to give it to them. It makes sense to just always be available because they can't be too clean, really. They love taking baths, and being clean. Most animals prefer to be clean. 

After spending a little time playing a couple guitars, I uploaded The video and returned to the chores by bringing up the laundry.

I was thinking about the yearning that goes along with waiting for the "fruits," like the pigeon being trained and grown to the point of pairing or even what people might feel like while listening to my musical development- hoping for that day when its great instead of my sqawks and squeaks. 

It goes back to that "rome wasn't built in a day" thing, and what I mentioned earlier about a flower blooming, and reseeding eyes that eventually envelop the world with its beauty. 

Historically, I've recognized that drive for what is gratifying at that instant. And, I think that it's a human trait that shouldn't be ignored but in the chess-games in life it's the moves that add up to the goal- the steps in any process. 4:00

9:50 Around 4:30, I gave in to watching Valhalla in the bedroom with Julie, which she just now shut off. It was at the point where they had just gone over the waterfall, where the show ended- them hitting the bottom but without showing anything more. This was right after the part where Freydis gets her baby back, after the village stoned the guy for being a douche bag. It's a great thing, to reflect on what our ancestors endured for hundreds of thousands of years but there are some pains that will always be part of life no matter what.

The pain of losing a child is a pain that I know a hundred times over anything but it's not as in death. The death of a child is far easier to recover from than having your children taken possession of by a selfish parent lacking the emotional intelligence to understand what a relationship is to even be a parent. And, having to live, reliving the loss daily or moment by moment. Always dreading the future results, and all of the problems that didn;t have to be? I drank myself dead six times over it.

Thank God that I healed in all of the ways that I have, and to be free of those pains. Always, I would grieve over my kids not communicating with me. And then I let everything go because I am not that person anymore. I am still the father, knowing that one day they will seek for me- finding what I have left behind to find. And they will feel a range of pains and emotions that my words will most likely inflict, causing them to regret the things that have and haven't been done. They will see all of my effort to leave those words behind that we never shared- words like bread that never goes stale. They will get to know who I am, and see who I was at various points in my life. And they will know I was real, and what I am doing is leading up to become something spectacular to someone, somewhere. Something they will be forced to see, and always remember. And then, they will know how much I loved them. 10:11 

Today is exactly 23 months of sobriety. And, my heart rate hit 144 tonight but I do all of the exercise... 10:16