January's Over

 9:11 Trying to make my entry but sometimes people don't see the blatant clues before them- children, animals, 

The last thing I remember before I got up was, Julie in some kind of medical place with  helo on her hed that 

1/29 10:45 AM "Red Dawn is on," Julie shouts from the bedroom... I've got ear pieces on, isolated with my thoughts and the Mad Zack Radio- Come Back Show show I did when I got out of the psych ward.

The Glue of Life, was a parable that I mentioned that I need to write about a little.

The illustration was that my heart had become broken, over time getting broke even more. 

Mending the occasional shard- the healing, that happens from time to time but alway rebreaking- eventually becoming shattered to sand with enough pain.

The inward searching that leads to healing- connecting with the spirit through isolation (no disruptors of "the world"), becoming sober in all ways that you can, which causes awareness that awakens your consciousness.

The glue, as the grains are put together, built up. And, my heart became ten times larger and stronger than before- the understanding of your power to create war or peace, with mere presence or a word. 10:59  

6:24 SItting here watching the frillbacks lounging on the carpeted floor after having bathed themselves in a large dog food bowl with almost three inches of warm water in it. 

They were milling about in the kitchen when I noticed them drinking from the water dish for Riley. 

"That's good," I thought.

Observing them for several moments, I noticed them washing themselves in it. 

Now, they are just making themselves at home, and I'm trying to not walk past them to cause an interruption in their enjoyment. 

Riley keeps going near but Mildred just gets up and lays down in another place.

They are totally relaxed, and I feel great about that. In a while, they will be making contact. 6:36

9:37 Laying in bed with the TV on. Thor- Ragnarak is on. They just unleashed the demon.

Max and Mildred finally went down to bed, having an internal sense about when the lights go out. They went back to their shelf, where they had been nesting. Now that the heaters are in there, I need to blanket off the exposed areas to keep the heat in there. With three to four more days to count down until the Archangels begin hatching, I haven't got any time to waste.

Earlier, this morning, Julie and I were talking about the newborn grandson, Cublin. She was asking me about what was said in the texts so, rather than reading them to her- editing as needed, I gave her my phone to read the conversation. She immediately criticized my having shared info about the pigeons, saying something to the effect that it was narcissistic on my part, without any constitution. It is my inclination to understand that this is the general consensus of everyone's formed opinion of myself but I am historically misinterpreted and misunderstood so, it only bothers me a little.

Sarah's view and understanding of me was poisoned long, long ago. I am not about to undo the healing and growth that I feel I have gained by dwelling on what anyone thinks about me- in a world where no one is really conscious enough to begin understanding the basics.

Mentioning that I had to get heaters and supplies for the pigeons, we both got dressed and went to the store. She went out to the car, before I was even ready, and sat there. 

Reading a book, and listening to Scorpion on her iPhone, we rode without speaking a word but for what I said while sensing tension. The energy of disapproval about something was heavy in the air. Feeling certain that it was about the grandsons and their mother, I was careful to avoid the subject. She never did speak her mind, yet we went to bed as usual. My heart rate didn't deviate from a restful pace, though we did snuggle.

We will see what tomorrow brings, if tomorrow brings us the day. 9:58

9:17 AM The biggest mistake that the average person commonly makes is, throwing away their solitude first thing in the morning- turning on the television, for instance. Once your attention becomes disrupted by things from the unnatural world, you shut off consciousness- awareness, self awareness. 

The data you awakened with are to be considered as a course that you attend while you're dreaming. 

The spirit needs the conscious body to follow through so that they can become united as one unit, connected to the greater consciousness.

9:24 Bernie coos and calls with his loneliness, while William is mostly silent this morning.

Downstairs, the other six are relaxed and quiet. Turning the lights on, in the morning, I always go and greet them to further imprint myself in their minds. 

Music is a great way to start the day so, I brought Rhonda upstairs to nestle into my thinking spot in the living room. Here, I sit and play for a few minutes in a state of meditation.

Rather than thoughts of "the big game," getting high, sex or any other part of the circus, the day has to start with an arrangement. "The List," to start with, is your business plan for the day, like what needs to happen or what is expected and probable.

The first thing on my list is always the animals- easily neglected with the television on or letting any part of "the world" inside my home, my personal space that I inhabit.

General cleaning isn't something on my list because it's an act of second nature that's been developed, happening as I go about my day- in my travels. Always taking time to "police" yourself makes it easy to maintain an acceptable environment. This is an essential act to master because this is what creates the time that you have for yourself. 

For example, The Kitchen is a constant work area. Learn to use this room. Washing the dishes, as you prepare and cook food, keeps your hands clean. This eliminates getting the cabinet doors, drawers, and fridge from getting funked up with filth. It helps keep the condiments and spices from getting filthy containers. And meat handling, always having that sinkwater to wash your hands off with prevents cross-contamination. 

Washing dishes, and cleaning, always gets done as I cook but there are those times- when I don;t know what to do... When I am lost, I go right to the kitchen and start working. Everything falls into place from there.

The stove doesn't get washed but once or twice a week. The pots and pans are dealt with, as needed, but iron grill doesn't really get dirty so much as a little oil splatter. Adding the stove to the daily routine is time consuming, and unnecessary.

Learning how to employ perfectionism and compulsive obsessive behaviour at my choosing was hard until I learned about the ego, in my psychology studies to better understand myself and my loved ones.

9:49 Max and Mildred just came upstairs to visit, flying up on top of an entertainment cabinet that they seem to like. Yesterday, I put a nesting basket with hay in it up there for them. It looks like they are choosing that spot as an option. We'll see. Studying them, the eggs will appear anytime between 8 and 18 days after a breeding session. They did their thing, a few times that I know of, yesterday. I got it on video. 9:53

1:53 It's unreal to me, that I cannot find even a chunk of staples for my gun. Improvising with some newspapers, containing the heat by hanging them from the upper shelf- basic theory but it's not going to work since the heater is not heating enough. What heat is being produced is merely rising to heat the surface above it. It's a little warmer but ineffective. Now, return two of the units and get one that is bigger. 

Yeah, when I knew I wanted the bigger one to begin with. That's an example of not following my heart, my gut feeling. Between my always being frugal, and her pointing them out, I swayed. And then, the issue of longevity- only lasting a year. That's the money war again, that I am always battling. 

My gal has been having negative feelings about herself. I just imagined myself doing "naked man" on her, when she got home from work, and say, "Quick, my parents aren't home. I was just about to start without ya." 

I don't think I'd ever do that to her, I don't know. I'd have to tease her throughout the day to build her up for it. I just have a hard time interrupting her when she's at work because I am pretty sensitive about not causing any disturbances to jeopardize that.

3:45 Twenty minutes on the phone, I still have no water for the dispenser. Walmart has them on sale for under $130 but the supplier brings the water when he feels like it, "at random," they tell me. A person is calling me back, after having motivated them to call and push them to deliver. 

There's no way I would sell a product like this if the people are not going to make the water available. Oh, I'm a bit agitated... I texted the issue update to Julie.

This, I find out, after having gathered up the lights and packaging, repairing the boxes to return them. And, the staple gun because it's some off-brand that might not take t-50's- what I usually buy. That reminds me, I'll go look for the other one. There's one last tool kit I forgot to look in. 3:49

Nope. No staples, no heavy duty stapler but this one of Julie's- something she bought to work on the house years ago. It's smoke stained with black soot that won't wash off, and one of the very few things that we salvaged from the fire. 

And here I am, increasing the risk of fire by putting heating units in the basement for the pigeons... without any renter's insurance. 3:58

8:54 Having just eaten a turkey sandwich, I'm feeling pretty good. A while ago, we took turns using the new body sculptor Julie got in the mail yesterday.

Around 6:15 I told her that I ordered a masseuse online to come give a demonstration, and that he was due shortly. Later, I went in the bedroom, wearing only a robe, with some body lotion. After giving her a good rub down, she returned the gesture. It was very nice but clearly not as innocent as just being a tool to reduce cellulite. Those advertisements are capitalising on sexually frustrated people who have been programmed to feel bad about themselves, and settle for the fantasy and temporary gratification that they can receive.

It's hard to deal with sometimes- knowing and understanding truth and psychology, while easily able to feel the range of emotions and pains associated with any given situation, like the birds that I have caged, and their feelings of freedom loss and loneliness, and longing for social activity.

We're all the same, living creatures.

Tomorrow starts my close watch for the Archangels to hatch. In the morning, the staple gun will help me button up some things to help consolidate the heating efforts. And, I will be installing the new heating units, along with a thermometer to show me how it's working. 

In the big scheme of things, all I have to do is care for my animals, home and self. Everything else is just more seeds in the garden. And, rather than allow anxiety to step in and cause negligence, reflecting on the seeds that I've planted should easily make me smile enough to not doubt or worry but to just keep tending my garden.

Heart rate peaked at a low and comfortable exertion of 129 tonight. 9:19 

10:30 AM 1/31

It's been a slow easy morning, and a nice shower. Some guy with LaCamera for a last name, claiming government organization status. It made me laugh due to the word association and the reality of surveillance. "The Camera". Maybe it's just funny to me because of my becoming involved with the nielsen's orientation, and the very strange things that happened afterwards:   Having researched a bit about Nielsen's, and the various things learned, I closed my Chrome Book. Moments go by as I go about my business. Suddenly, "My Name Is Mud," begins playing. And then using Alexa, she actually fought with me using multiple tactics, it seemed. There are examples on some of the shows. There were things that were said that could've been threats- giving me the hospital info instead of what I had asked.

Yeah, so the relationship with my work, the name. Anyway.

Last night, I told Julie I was washing the bedding today. It can't be running while I'm doing a show so, I went and stripped off the first blanket. It's a queen or maybe king sized artificial fur like you'd find on a mediaevil bed. It's got weight to it, and shaggy fur.

Taking the blanket down, I said "This is too much for the washer," out loud.

Turning around to not do it, I again thought of the odor, spinning back around in a few steps. 

Mildred is on the floor, and Max is on the nest. "She must have laid,"

"Maybe I am too cynical or skeptical. It will be a test run, and at least smell fresh. And then we'll see if I'm wrong about being too big," I tell myself.

It didn't seem like I was going to get it all in but finally managed to stuff it in. Everything about it says the blanket needs to be washed at the laundromat. We'll see what it looks like when it's done running.

Mildred had to have laid an egg. Max wouldn't be sitting there for nothing. They're in love. So that's what I'm about to do now- work on the pen while waiting for the washer to finish. 11:00

11:23 The bald tumblers seem to want to eat the sunflower seeds but they are too big. I just ran some through a smoothie maker, studying one to see about the rest. I'm feeling very guilty of having them in cages but I don't want them stressing out the nursery situation. Next week I'll be getting them mates, and hopefully the rest of what I need for the new coop. Bernie is very upset, almost wild acting when I put my hand in the cage. William is more reserved but still fearful. I am always slow and easy around them all. It's actually a great aid at staying calm and methodical. 11:28

Around 12:30, I sat down for a lunch break, sans food. Without anything organized, as usual, I did a show in our private group that turned out to be very good. There was no magic composition but the things that were discussed were very therapeutic especially for myself. Having a few friends, fans of the show, to talk with helped navigate the depths of water of thoughts on life. Everyone is searching for lost, traded, and stolen pieces of themselves. Some people actually take time to look with me, to find those little shiny things. Pigeons and Stuff- Mad Zack Radio

8:06 PM Julie has Big Bang Theory on the telly, "I have to make as much as my wife so I don't have to work as hard in bed," howard said. 

Julie asked me if I heard it, which I didn't because I have ear pieces in for youtube. She tells me, and I am surprised because I find putting an effort in to be very satisfying. A man should take pride in his performance- always. Bed or not, a man should always do his best without a second thought. 

That led into us, her sentiments on my performance. She knows I always do my best.

See, it's comments like that, that cause a poor influence on the audience. They have added up over the years to seriously decline the psychological and intellectual quality of Americans in general society- the dumbing down effect caused by capitalist interests that have conditioned people into careless, complaining consumers. A nation full of children, more or less. The library is the only safe place.

ANyway, I just came across a guy that is local to me, who started a father's support group for men's support. That was an encouraging thing to see- someone trying to contribute for men. We need a ton more of that, like the programs some retired street gang people reach out in the community to help redirect and influence the youth. 

The pigeons have got me scratching my head. Tonight, Max and Mildred were out on a stroll together. They are certainly "nesty" but I don't know if there are eggs yet. One video I watched said to take the first egg out. This is supposed to prevent it from beginning the energy inside to start development. If you return it when another egg gets laid, they hatch together, along with the third egg that may also be laid. That way they get cared for more equally, and develop together better because they are also creating and sharing more heat.

The heater shuts off when I turn off the light, I noticed. The plug will need to be moved or I will have to go down and manually do it since it shares the light socket at the moment. There needs to be another circuit installed in the breaker box for the garage anyway so, maybe I'll go ahead and wire it in to also add an outlet for them. My hopes were to have the landlord get our garage door taken care of, and add a junction box for a line when they were finished but nothing is happening with that. 8:51  

 

 

Hello in there...

 

Julie mentioned the casino before we went to sleep- the last topic of the day. It didn't preoccupy my thoughts, dreaming of a small win etc... I couldn't even remember the band we saw the first time, although we did win $538! 

The Beatles tribute band was on the second trip. You can;t forget seeing that show, just because it's "The Beatles". Her friends were in town for the show, calling to see where we lived from there- if we were nearby. I'm not sure what  show is this Saturday. 9:54 AM

My friend is adding to the vibrations. I'm distracted and, Riley seems to want out but I took his collar off last night, in order to install one of my rings on it. 

Julie wanted a key ring added to it so she can find something to clip the linehook to. The long double coat makes it difficult to even find the collar. And when you find it, the ring is difficult to find. 

The buckle is made of plastic, snapping together but the plastic clip broke off on one side. The lifespan of the plastic integrity lasted a little over a year. 

And, when I looked at the ring in question, I realized that I couldn't do what I wanted which was to put one of my rings on it because I had no key ring.

Anyway, I can't find a collar which only leaves him the backyard. Well, he wants out the front yard. 

Riley resolves to just want to play with me, and I go on to cleaning Rocky's cage because I found a filter scoop in my travels.

Coos and clucks, and the rattle of steel wire cage... The Crazy Pigeon Lady discusses procreating cages for pigeons. 

Riley lies, sleeping on the floor near me. 

William is definitely a cockbird. He's pretty full of himself. 

As I observed them, they were confused. They were looking for each other. The one I named Bernice is using the cardboard nesting box, making me think that maybe it is a female, and they haven't been paired correctly or they are siblings. Before separating them, it looked as though they were kissing but then there was fighting. Maybe I should build a pairing cage, just so I have one ready when I need it.

A pairing cage is just a cage with a removable wall in the middle, that keeps the birds you want to pair from seeing each other.

After a period of days, where they are cooing and calling to each other, you remove the board.

Putting the board back in after a short period of time, they will go back to calling out. The wanting grows and grows. And finally, after a sufficient number of days- they are mated as a pair.

Pigeons are monogamous, mating for life. They live up to 14 years.

At this point, as far as determining the sex of "Bernice," I'm waiting for an egg to tell the truth.

11:11 Bernice is "Bernie" now. Doing his cockbird dance, cooing and clucking just like big bad Bill. Whether he'll ever be sweet William, time can only tell. Now I have to go get two girls.

If I don't get them paired up and mated, they'll always be a problem. And, selling them to get rid of them isn't the right thing to do. The next person will be clueless at how to care for it/them, and they'll end up neglected and living a miserable life. And the ability of understanding that is part of the gifts of being an empath and tuning in to consciousness.

On the off chance that I happened upon someone knowledgeable, that knew of the needs, that would be a blessing but the likelihood of that is slim to none.

Julie is going out to visit the grandkids anyway. It would make it convenient to hit the farm to pick them up but there's the problem of making sure I get two birds that aren't already "dating". The guy didn't seem that concerned with these kinds of details when I got them. 

Actually, I recall him saying that the frillbacks were on eggs when I got them but I could be wrong. 11:20

10:15 PM Having gotten some chores done, I decided to do the Mad Zack Radio Show at 1:00.

It was a good show, where I featured yesterday's journal entry/blog- my ongoing journal mostly. Both, myself and Brandon, played an improv. And, he is the third person to be on, after seeking me out.

Earlier, I was lamenting the legacy of John Prine, and how much I loved his music and person. Come April 7, the singing mailman will be three years gone. Oh, yes. His hanging with Kristofferson 'prolly changed the world a little for a lot.

What's funny is, my friend that I give the credit for turning me on to John, tried to kill me. I wrote about it once or twice.  "...Hello in there. Hello" 10:29

  

Sock It To Me Baby! Mad Zack Radio

20:02 "Not The Day" 

see comments for other playbill information

Not the day- edited

 10:46 PM 1/26

A fan hums in an orchestra of tiny ringing auditory sensations reaching out at the speed of sound in a room so dark not even the shadows could see. Blind depth perception, I'd imagine, travels much faster than both sound and light. Think of it as bluetooth with the other side, the farthest place you can go, in the blink of an eye. Consciousness, yes, And tinnitis I know. Some say it's the sound of blood rushing through the veins in the ear but it could also be the sound of electromagnetic energy- or maybe, the sound of the absence of light- the cry of a rabbit forever in the moment just as it's being killed.

Julie's steady exhalations say she's well asleep, and Riley's sleeping under the bed. A sudden cramp in my foot rustles the noise of fabric because guys sometimes sleep with their socks on. And, I'll tell you why:

Firemen know this too. Wearing socks prevents blisters, and boots will give you blisters fast- for one thing.

Getting dressed is faster, never knowing when you might have to jump up and start running. I've got a pair of leggings that are like long johns. I've got a long sleeved AC/DC Highway To Hell shirt, and socks on.

Firebell rings! Boom, pants, boots, hat, coat, Truck.

And then there's the linen. Men rarely do pedi's but for tearing the nails back when they get hung up on the fabric when putting socks on so, wearing socks to bed prolongs the life of the linen, which reminds me that my ex-inlaw's hand-me-down bed sheets had wear patterns in them that whispered secrets to me about their sex life.

Yes, socks to bed... what else? 

Self conscious, yes, we like to look attractive, especially at bedtime. And every little thing, all day long, was the romance- the foreplay. Well, we don't want things to start off with foot rubs and fungus fingers. No, not with the pleasure platter for two! 

And, out of sight, out of mind. We don't want her being dicstra, dicstrac, distracted with our feet. 

Cold floors and old man's bladder- the tile floor in the bathroom. 

Yes, "just get a carpet" you'd say. For what? It ends up musty and thrown away, another thing in the landfill.

And let's not forget, socks were a sacrifice Albert Einstein made with his genius. Yes, his wife had too many clothes to fold.

Oh, the "bares" get me all the time! 

Kids running around with bare feet, complaining about being cold. Wearing socks saves on heat. And here they want to ban gas stoves, while never considering the furnaces- and all dem people ain't wearing no socks!

Toilet paper crisis will never be reality in a world where people use their socks to wipe with. 

Speaking of teaching a man to fish, you can put fish in your socks so you don't get your pockets all slimey.

In the old days people could actually get a sock- literally. Usually, people never see a good sock coming at them.

And what comes in a sock is just what you put in it- you. When you put your hand inside of it, that's what you get back out. It's just like a garden.

Your hand is what you sneeze in but you can blow your nose with a sock. And you can influence people to believe you're a hard worker when you've got a change of socks in your pocket... or are you happy to see me?

In a world full of twisted people, safe socks are the most recommended but with my new patented, life rejuvenating personality, and empowering energy I get from my cotton that is grown in Giza, nothing is more intimate than wearing my socks to bed. 

They're so comfortable, it's like I'm wearing no socks at all. And my girl loves them too.

For just $9.99, I'll send you- not one but two socks. Yes, and if you roll the tops down, they'll be half off!

Socks can change the world- the power of good socks. Heartrate 142 tonight.

And just one more offer- for an addition of just $1.99, I'll include your socks to have the magical power- priceless power, of being a washcloth to help wash off after your long day of chewing the cheese ball scum build up on your hand that you don't pick your feet with.

This, absence of intrusion- a cat with a ball of guilded twine- alone in the tailor's shop. And, several minutes have passed by since the coo- coo- clock quit its chiming warning that midnight has passed, and my consciousness is at peace in the moment.

Tomorrow we will speak of today, where today we must speak of tomorrow. 12:13

 

 

 

You Can Relate- Mad Zack Radio

This is today's quick video journal, sharing with friends who need some support.

It's always something that everyone could use. I hope you find value in the things that I share.

Permanent Ink

 5:18 PM 1/24/2023

Julie came home to dinner, and we ate at the table for a change. Yes, fried potatoes, Italian sausage and baked beans. Having timed it just right, I turned the burners off as she was pulling up.

Brandon made his prayer offering, while Riley was waiting for his food to be served. 

The tattoo shop was almost a disaster because there became a religious conversation that wasn't invited but it gave Dragon a good opportunity to offer some guiding clarity, where I was tiring of giving dictation that wasn't nurturing what isn't yet able to be. The religious discussion gets old fast where action says every word. And wisdom isn't something a person gets because they insist on having it. It's like a blossom that opens when it's ready. You can only be as ready as you can make yourself be. To become teachable is a choice in life, where our choices are what guides us when we learn discernment- to know what weeds are, what they do, and how to get rid of them from our garden.

My pigeons, for instance, are something that I planted in mine.

The younger generations are lost in the world they have been given- living life on fast food and Facebook etc...

The life is in the neighborhood, being forgotten and lost. When there's a fire, it's the community that puts it out. Facebook, for instance, is a world of pretend where the relating with one another is mostly absent of inflection and emotion. Text communications are but a fragment, and no one understands the pregnancy that might be implied. Intimacy is lost, and misperceived as something that isn't really there- to think that they love you, while they are searching for what love even is to begin with- always dissatisfied with what they discover when they have that person as a cohabitant. And to think they are able to have a relationship- 

To leave a woman and your child when you need to fix yourself to play the position. Taking a dysfunction into another relationship is the first mistake, like my quitting drinking.  Recognizing it but refusing the correction needed, is just delaying the inevitable destruction. When your mate says that there is a problem, you look at it together. It's building, changing, and teamwork! No, tweamwork.

And, no matter where I see the problems, my place is not to show a person what they are unable to see. Sometimes they have to endure the suffering to find out on their own. The struggle that makes one become what they can become, a baby bird fighting to get out of the egg. You can't peel the shell off to help. 

And that's where people, in general, are at- fighting to get out of their shells. And then the people that scream out about how wrong that suffering is?! Over-sensitized and misled, and everything to them is the meaning of life- their mission is trying to keep a Wolf from eating the young Elk in nature because it traumatized their kids. 

The balance of everything has been thrown off, and there's nothing one person can do but focus on what matters within their control. We can't all go to law school but we can pay attention to those things that threaten us today, and what we can tangibly see coming tomorrow. Like knowing that you might run out of feed for the animals before harvest...if you aren't careful. 

My hopes were that something would get done, like resolving technical issues that I am having that prevent me from doing what I need to do when I need to do it. Now, I am only reminded of how much I am on my own with my work, and that no one will do it but myself. It boils down to confidence.

My children's book illustrations are one thing that I hope someone will do, mostly because I lack the confidence to do them myself even though I have drawn some wonderful pictures. 

And, hoping they would make a difference, I understand that it depends on the parents reading the books to the kids. In a world where parents spend no time with their kids to consider reading to them, it seems like a delusion to even care.

Finding my happiness in my garden is one of the keys to survival- staying sane in a damaged world. Wanting others to find it for themselves is always the hope of the artist- the gardener. 5:52

7:35 AM

The volume on the television woke me up from my slumber, the damn news while Julie gets ready for work. Closing the door was only a small hint so, I closed it harder, and then harder- the third time was a slam.

If she wanted me up with her, the coffee pot gurgling wakes me up with it's whispers, taking three minutes to brew.

Coming in the front door of the house, you are entering the living room- lazyboy and couch on the right, with the television on the left. The door to the bedroom is at the end of the television stand, opposite the couch. 

The next room is the dining room, almost one room but for small amounts of wall on each side. 

Continuing straight, the next room is the kitchen, leading to the basement stairs on the left.

The bathroom, and her dressing room, is left of the dining room. 

The dressing room has a desk, a beautiful Amish dresser that has a full top display with mirror and crown moulding. Small shelves with small ornate rails guard each end of the mirror. It's quite grand, being almost eight feet wide, and just under seven feet tall.

On the desk, where she also has her make-up station, is a very large flat-screen TV.

Why she wasn't in there, I do not know. She's been doing this lately, and I hate to have to force it to be a conversation between us when it boils down to simple consideration.

Considering the battle we have these days for time away from television and devices, it's torture to be waken up by the news on television. And with three generations being influenced by TV, and all of the sponsors, it's next to impossible to find a person to discuss it with. The very gypsies they hated throughout history are now the puppetmasters.

No, I'm not bitching. I'm just saying, which reminds me... 

Setting up an air mattress in the basement, for Brandon, I also unscrewed a few lights with a strategy to guard my birds because their lights go off for night-time before he goes to lay down.

Leaving the light on, at the top of the stairs in the mud-room, provides enough light to see down there. 

Indicating a light on the ceiling, that he can unscrew to turn off, I tell him to use this light because it won't disrupt the bird's daylight pattern. 

When I finally gave up on sleep, I got up to dress and make coffee- turning the lights on for my pigeons first. 

Glancing down the stairs to see they are on, I see that the lights I unscrewed are on and shouldn't be which means that he was using them last night while on the phone and social media, disturbing my birds.

While laying in bed, last night, I could sense that something was in jeopardy. The air mattress is brand new, and expensive. Laying on the concrete floor, near neatly organized stacks of junk, and pallets where the washer and drier sit, isn't a good spot. And sometimes people don't think, and aren't careful. My thoughts were that it would end up being destroyed. They don't patch well. If I would have got up from bed to tell him, instead of text to not disturb Julie, I would have seen the lights on and corrected him. 8:28

8:36 Having coffee in Australia, virtually, with YouTube, a variety of pigeons and doves are being shown and explained. It's an investment of time, in my birds, to enjoy the studies. It's nature, outside, around the globe. 

The only thing better would be, doing it without commercials selling more destruction.

I want to go see my birds for a moment but can't because I'm not ready to start listening to seemingly fruitless religious rhetoric from a young person trying to say what he does not yet understand. It's caused a huge disruption in my space, all because I thought he could help. He is without a father.

The help I am managing to get is useful. Like the bird dying. You can't save anyone but yourself. The tests we face in life are each our own. Most will fail. The average grain of sand buys a fantasy of becoming a pearl, where wisdom irritates it to become. Not just any old piece of sand gets to be a pearl. And just because you are a grain of sand, it doesn't give you pre-entitlement of being a future pearl. A pearl becomes itself from personal development, not because it desires to be a pearl. It became a pearl when it became isolated- within the oyster. The oyster is the path. Isolating itself to become by choosing the path of the oyster. The sand is plain without choosing the path that it wants to be part of. Paths are walked upon where the people walk holding the pearls. 9:00

9:02 So I need to be selfish, to focus. I'm not making videos with subliminalizations in order to influence people to notice. And I'm not a religious zealot with a maniacal plan to save everyone, dishing out threats to anyone refusing to listen. Save yourself. People are drowning because they created their floods. Yes, and if you go to Yellowstone you may see an animal being eaten alive! We'll have to have a wolf hunt and manage the herd.

We've got all kinds but three types that I can see right now: People trying to get rid of nature, people trying to control nature, and people who are trying to defend nature. And, I suppose we can't deny that there are many people that have no clue about nature. Time for The Crazy Pigeon Lady. 9:11

9:16 Today is a good day to study more about the camera, and to make a flier and business card to use around town. 

Advertise what? 

Interior painting, home repairs and avian rescue I think. Brandon's up now. Here we go. 9:20 

9:40 Studying hard about these pigeons. Brandon is in the kitchen, cleaning up without any cue.

Retrieving a cup of coffee, he tells me that he's in a good place in his mind today, which is what I needed to hear and see. Hopefully he gets something out of the time he spends here with me that he can use to sort things out in his life. 9:42

9:49 Watching The Crazy Pigeon Lady about the health and diet of pigeons, I was right to crush the grit smaller but need to give them vitamin D so the calcium can be absorbed.

2:08 The pigeons found their way upstairs today. The two bald, and two frillbacks came right up but the dog was behind them so, he may have herded them when he came up the stairs. 

Noticing the two bald cock-birds pushing themselves between Max and Mildred do their mating dances, it was clear that they needed to be separated. After pushing them back to the stairwell, Max and Mildred roamed the rooms in peace.

It's in my best interests to influence the environment to make them want to mate, and the cock-birds are upsetting the mated couples. I don't really want to cage them but I do have the cages, and it needs to be done. Empathically speaking, I know how they will feel, which is why I haven't forced myself to do it yet. 

Things have calmed down, the message of calm and focus setting in, finally. The focus is on stabilizing a father to return to his job in the relationship. And, I should be flattered that he came to me for help especially since I can speak for the child and the mother, having been through familial dysfunction and destruction. It may not do any good but time is valuable, and in order to be happy with myself I have to do the right thing. The right thing is to influence him to return to the mother and child, get a job, and shut out the world to focus on himself. He has a serious religious complex, claiming that God assigned him to be a judge.

Twice, so far, a frillback landed on my head while I sat on the couch. It's nice to see them frolic around the room, making noises, getting comfortable.

Snow is coming down in small cottony pieces that now blanket everything. The roads have yet to melt off their blankets. In a short while, we'll be going for a drive to get groceries. My UnitedHealth benefits expire at the end of the month. I've not spent much of it, and could use some supplies. 2:24

9:05 PM It's always the most valuable words that we fail to write down. Wishing that I had recorded the conversations, whatever I said today really sunk in my friend's head- even calling his mother to forgive and be forgiven for whatever he did that caused the rejection. Hung up on saving the world, he's now focusing on himself in order to become able to be what he thinks he is supposed to be. 

"Forgiveness, that's a great topic. You see there are two ways of forgiveness. Sometimes we forgive people in our minds, releasing ourselves from the shackles of that pain. The other person doesn't always have to know that you have forgiven them, and can often lead back to the violence. You forgive them in silence, for your own peace- for yourself. Then you remove yourself from their abuse, understanding they have healing to do that prevents change. It's a weed that you found in your garden. And then, your mother is a plant in the garden you belong in. It's the fruit-bearing plant that helps you to grow so, you must nurture it. You first have to ask for forgiveness before mentioning their "wrong" that you are forgiving them for. Often it's not necessary to receive "credit" for it. You aren't the King, you are the Subject".  

Everything I said to him was the same as speaking to myself- reflecting on my journal in life while finding happiness in the moment. 

"Isolation is the path for the sand grain to become The Pearl- always focused on becoming more. To be valuable as a father to the child, and as an able counsel to others in need- leading when it is time to. Tuning yourself, and becoming aware of ego, is critical. To become able to turn on the adrenaline when it's time to fight for life or imprint the lesson, and when it is time to be the femenine - to nurture and exchange affection". 

This, I explained, is a perspective of the spirit when always trying to please the lord. 

"The Lord helps those who help themselves," finally sunk in where foodbanks were considered to be his idea of security and sustainance. 

"That's begging," I flatly stated, while selling plasma wasn't recognized as an option. 

What was the option?

His "new" girlfriend has an Onlyfans page- working the sex trade, with him "helping" her make the content. Trying hard to explain that it wasn't a business, and that it was worse that him being picky about the job he works- the evil corporations. 

"I'll bet anything that it's not contributing to the bills," I snorted, while trying to avoid triggering him to shut down the communication process. 

I explained, "Listen, the biggest mistake everyone makes is that they take the job, and quit looking for what they desire- the income, benefits, and hours. Never "settle" and just "make due". Always keep looking for something better but you must take what you can get in order to meet the basic budget needs, learning to live within that income until you have the chance to make it better or go for the promotion." 

"Always be concious of what you are doing, and the quality of people you are helping generate a profit, of course but you must learn that you can only change yourself, and you can't keep healing yourself while distracted with being destitute by your choices. You have absolutely nothing, and too small of a support base to be so fickle, which is insulting and abusive to those people that do support you." 

"Grandma should be your second priority because if you serve all of her needs, she may leave you the property that you believe will sustain you. Do everything with selflessness, and you'll find rewards but never expect it. She's been caring for you, and bailing you out, for 31 years. You owe it to her to focus on yourself, and become at peace by doing the acts that say what you want to say with words. Don't talk about religion, be what you think it is. Just be considerate, selfless and grateful," as we walked through the aisles at the store.

We gathered up groceries, totalling $135.36. It wasn't a challenge for him to see that the items were all ingredients rather than prepared foods of any kind. Swiping my health card, the register said "paid in full."

Anxious to leave, I failed to get the receipt. 

The WalMart receipt nazi stopped me on the way out, where I realized I didn;t grab it.

Brandon went back to the register to find out that I had to come back and finish the purchase.

The register wanted $5.36 more so, I finished and returned to the checker with the receipt.

Having caught a train, we sat and chatted for several minutes while the train was at a dead stop. 

"Sit down and create a song for your girl and child. Not a song with sounds of angst and demonic sounding growls of garbage. Create a beautiful song full of love and wanting, and happiness. Creating the song is you sacrificing yourself to save the world. Investing time into creating that song is your contribution. You can't divert time away for caring for yourself to help people that probably can't be helped. You'll end up obsessing about it by investing all of your time into forcing people to see it. Just plant the seed in the garden and move on to the next seed."

When we arrived back at the house, Julie had just finished parking. He went to the door with her, failing to fill his hands with some bags. After I got the second trip in, he asked if I needed help, going out to get the eggs that I was going back out for next.

After he cleaned out the refrigerator a little, he helped put things away, and then said that he was going down to write a song. 

He went downstairs and stayed for most of the evening, only coming up a couple times for cigarettes. 

Alone in the basement with his note pad and my acoustic named, Rhonda, he sat calmly in his focus. My ears monitored his efforts, stopping to listen once in a while. He was actually tuning in to his spirit.

While lying in bed, virtually living the life of the Vikings, the day replayed in my mind. Part of me was in a rustic village with the scent of woodsmoke, animal urine and ale mash, gently wafting on the occasional breeze. The sounds of bleating goats, the grunt of the pigs, and lovely horse snorts coming from the barn and pens...

Everyone imagines being a Kind and Queen, in a Castle, but they have no sense of the reality: it was cold, dark and often damp. The halls would smell of dog and cat urine. The moat of sewage, a cesspool surrounding the building. The people that work to live there, dumping their waste down the side of the building instead of away, always needing to be corrected. Picking the fly eggs off of the meat that hangs while it cures... It was all work. And, when work was done, they celebrated together. No one was just laying around eating grapes. And, we have no cause for celebrations in these times, that have been earned. 8:58

 

  

Joy, Love, and Pain

 1/23/2023 Monday, 7:20 AM

Dreams about femininity were lingering as I realized it was time to awaken. Slipping my robe on, I gathered up my thneeds at the end of the bed and slipped on yesterday's insulated bluejeans. The shirt I woke up in was wet with perspiration, the final end to its use of four days. And my pocket couldn't be found to put my false teeth in, the only clue that my robe was on inside out.

My intuition was that it was late- only for the lighting to be turned on for my pigeons. And when I looked, i was correct. I turned it on and made my coffee.

Making my morning greeting, I noticed the parents were in a bit of a quarrel, and that the baby was laying there in the box. 

Rushing in to check, and fearing it had died, I see that it's okay. Mom hops into the nesting box but dad chases her out. Observing them, they continue doing this and I am curious why? 

Is the father taking the lead or becoming possessive?

Is he trying to strengthen the baby by making it generate more of it's own heat?

Is he jealous of the mother because the other boys are putting on their courting show for her?

Do I need to rescue the hatchling, to take over care and feeding?

Telling myself that I need to pay close attention this morning, I return to the kitchen to start my day.

Is it possible that my dreams were preparing me for what my tasks are?

Maybe I am over-analyzing, over-thinking, and everything's fine or maybe I'm not. My main task is to insure the hatchling survives but a person must not underestimate nature or the instincts of the animal parents.

Reminding myself that they are my focus of study, YouTube could hold the answers. 7:44

6:42 It's been a long day. Soon after my last entry, Brandon showed up from Oklahoma. He came to stay a little while and see if we can work together on a few things. 

The pigeons have been a concern since I woke up, especially after checking on them to find an issue with mom and dad. I could sense a problem, knowing that I needed to learn more about their behaviour. 

They maintained the nesty behaviour but were not keeping the chick warm. Dad didn't want mom coming over by them, pecking at her to get away. Being sensitive, I could feel a problem and made sure to watch as much as I could.

After fighting with the technical issues my devices are having, and setting up the drums, I checked on them again only to find the chick several inches away laying flat, like it was dead. One of the parents in the box with it, the other out and near by, I went in the pen to see. 

The chick was cold and lifeless in my palm. There was no slow movement of breathing or heart beat, just cold. 

I cupped it with both hands to warm it and rub the life back into it by massaging it to stimulate breathing and heart beat. I rubbed, warmed and prayed for it to come alive- hoping and hoping.

This was my only task- watch out for this to happen, and now it's dead. And, I knew before I opened my eyes that I had to be especially sensitive right now. 

Tapping, rubbing, slow, hot breaths from my mouth... I hoped and hoped it would live. It's my very first baby to have and to train! It's the start of the demonstration in the neighborhood. 

Oh, how could it be dead?

And then it moved it's beak a little bit.

It was opening and closing slightly as it tried to fight for life! It began breathing and moving a tiny bit.

It was so weak.

The crop has food in it, so it was being fed.

Is it sick, I wonder?

Scrambling around for an incubation method, I had Brandon get a cage and heat lamp, while I warmed the 

chick in my hands.

It was looking like it was trying hard, and maybe was okay as I laid it in the nest box under the light.

It was breathing and in a sleeping appearance.

I wondered if I went in there too much, making them reject.

Already, I had decided not to touch it until the eyes opened in the 8 days that it takes. 

Brandon played a beautiful song on one of the guitars, while I watched the bird in the box. 

The hatchlings body made a bit of movement while it breathed, and it's heart pumped. Everything looked 

good, as I worry about giving it a squirt of water in the crop.

And then it stopped moving. No breathing or twitching. No movement of the beak or neck. 

It was lifeless.

Grabbing it up in my hands, I refuse to let it die saying, "no, no.. you can't die on me!"

I held it, and held it for several minutes, and finally took it upstairs to Julie.

My throat began to choke up as I fought back tears for this tiny pigeon in my hands.

"Julie, I think it's dead and gone," I said while the tears filled my eyes.

Rushing into the bathroom, tears flowed down my face, forcing me to remove my glasses.

In disbelief, crying over a stupid bird.

"It's not a stupid bird, " I said out loud.

Now, it lies rolled up in a paper towel on the storage cabinet, where I'll check it later to see if it's still dead 

rather than go out now to bury it in the yard with my sadness.

My consolation prize is the Archangels, and their two eggs that they nest on. it doesn't take away the shame 

and blame I feel I deserve. After all, I have 8 birds to take care of. And, I just let one die that I knew might 

happen, so how can I think I can care for the 8 when I knew the new one needed my special attention? 

That's all I can say for today, considering the disruption in my routine. 

Joy, Love, and Pain (song link) all go together. You can't expect to have any one of those things without the others. 7:22

23 months

9:24 AM 1/22/2023

Waking at 7, I climbed from bed to turn the lights on for the birds, greeted them and then went back to bed.

There were thoughts running through my mind from my dreams that I should've written down but didn't, thinking I would remember later.

Around 8, I got out of bed to Riley's cue to go outside. 

Snow has covered everything with a thin blanket of small grainy flakes, and the chilly wind blows against me as I let Riley out into the backyard. He runs right to the loose slat in the fence, where he can sniff and see into the yard next door. The neighbors dogs are of interest to him, which he always checks for. The space created by the loose slat is big enough for them to grab him and pull him to their side where he'd be torn to shreds. They are huge, and aggressive dogs.

As I write, he sits on the couch to my left. His haunches set on the cushion while his front feet are on my arm. He paws the back of my left hand, then jumps down to face me with a small pleading bark for attention.

Checking in on a Youtube update from Philip Freedom, I see he has had a tragedy that cost him the life of one of his birds, and two developing eggs.

Julie is doing her routine- Fox News and the iPad, nestled in bed.

Reality to deal with as it is, I will now just do what I do with the understanding that my spirit is what's important and nothing else matters but after reading about the Yanomami people... I wonder if I should go there to the rain forest- where the fighting matters. 9:41

10:20 The shower was great, and now I am dressed and groomed but for shoes. The gothic shirt I've been wearing for two days has a pleasant body scent, so I put it back on.

Riley asks to go out, and I see that the snow has accumulated to an inch. The teenage boy across the street is sweeping off his car.

"The kids put dog turds on the segue wheels," comes from Scorpion- one of Julie's shows that she loves.

She came into the bathroom when I was warming up the shower, commenting to Riley about needing a bath but she never joined me for the fun. And, washing the dog is a two person job.

While in the shower, I recount my existence- having been given a great gift when I was in the auto accident. It's just enough of a thought to help assert myself for the day- to enjoy what I may where I can. That means taking time for breakfast.

Having taken bacon out of the freezer days ago, an omelette sounds good. And, it's Sunday which means I am supposed to take time to reflect on the spirit and the consciousness by caring for my "temple". 

My thoughts are distrubed by the bouncing sound of Jenny calling Julie's iPhone. My first test of the day is shielding myself from her negative energy. 10:32

10:35 It's hard to play the role of a dependant in a society where he who has the gold makes the rules, knowing that when shit hits the fan I am the one left to make sense of the broken pieces in order to put everyone at ease. 

Something is wrong with Julie's mother, and there is mention of the emergency room. She is in the wrong place but it appears as though her daughter is capitalizing on her grandmother's income to stabilize her own seemingly selfish existence.

There is no end in sight, as to the closure regarding the custody of the great grandchildren. And the debts incurred are not directly my affairs or knowledge. Certainly, I'll find out through the disasters that have yet to reveal themselves.

After the call, she tells me that her mother is shakey again, and having trouble breathing. It's been my preparation that she won't be here much longer.

Julie gathers up a basket of laundry, asking if I had any to add. And then set it in the kitchen, where it's my understanding that I'm the one that's always delegated to take it up and down the stairs.

Time to cook and clean the kitchen. 10:40

11:57 Church service just ended. Making a change in the world begins with where you are. Like a flower that blooms, making people take notice byway of the colors. The eyes that witness it are sometimes seeds that cause they themselves to bloom elsewhere- where others might see, and continue to spread farther and farther until that flower is blooming around the world. Shedding ourselves from the media and devices removes the variety of pains and the trauma of over-stimulating our senses. 12:01

3:42 Scorpion is still on, and I'm fiddling here and there. The pigeons are pecking oyster shells that I just crushed with a hammer since they come a little bit large for them, I think. It's crushed oyster for chickens and poultry. 

All of the water was just changed, washing out and returning their bath after debating with myself about how often to give it to them. It makes sense to just always be available because they can't be too clean, really. They love taking baths, and being clean. Most animals prefer to be clean. 

After spending a little time playing a couple guitars, I uploaded The video and returned to the chores by bringing up the laundry.

I was thinking about the yearning that goes along with waiting for the "fruits," like the pigeon being trained and grown to the point of pairing or even what people might feel like while listening to my musical development- hoping for that day when its great instead of my sqawks and squeaks. 

It goes back to that "rome wasn't built in a day" thing, and what I mentioned earlier about a flower blooming, and reseeding eyes that eventually envelop the world with its beauty. 

Historically, I've recognized that drive for what is gratifying at that instant. And, I think that it's a human trait that shouldn't be ignored but in the chess-games in life it's the moves that add up to the goal- the steps in any process. 4:00

9:50 Around 4:30, I gave in to watching Valhalla in the bedroom with Julie, which she just now shut off. It was at the point where they had just gone over the waterfall, where the show ended- them hitting the bottom but without showing anything more. This was right after the part where Freydis gets her baby back, after the village stoned the guy for being a douche bag. It's a great thing, to reflect on what our ancestors endured for hundreds of thousands of years but there are some pains that will always be part of life no matter what.

The pain of losing a child is a pain that I know a hundred times over anything but it's not as in death. The death of a child is far easier to recover from than having your children taken possession of by a selfish parent lacking the emotional intelligence to understand what a relationship is to even be a parent. And, having to live, reliving the loss daily or moment by moment. Always dreading the future results, and all of the problems that didn;t have to be? I drank myself dead six times over it.

Thank God that I healed in all of the ways that I have, and to be free of those pains. Always, I would grieve over my kids not communicating with me. And then I let everything go because I am not that person anymore. I am still the father, knowing that one day they will seek for me- finding what I have left behind to find. And they will feel a range of pains and emotions that my words will most likely inflict, causing them to regret the things that have and haven't been done. They will see all of my effort to leave those words behind that we never shared- words like bread that never goes stale. They will get to know who I am, and see who I was at various points in my life. And they will know I was real, and what I am doing is leading up to become something spectacular to someone, somewhere. Something they will be forced to see, and always remember. And then, they will know how much I loved them. 10:11 

Today is exactly 23 months of sobriety. And, my heart rate hit 144 tonight but I do all of the exercise... 10:16

Another Day

8:46 1/21/2023

Body resting, mind in a storm of thoughts and dreaming, I realized it was time to turn the bird lights on and go pee. Time on the digital clock, on her side of the bed, was 7:15.

Great. I'll just go check on the pigeons, and write in my journal. Yeah, that's what I thought until Julie got up. 

Riley had barked at her, and she actually got out of bed to let him out the back door.

My stomach was upset from the cake I ate when I was in bed- german chocolate with coconut and walnut frosting. I didn't haev my teeth in so I swallowed the nuts as they were, and now I am sitting on the toilet, where she now needs to be.

Coffee is brewing, and she goes back to bed only to turn on Fox news. I expected her to go back to bed, and sleep in.

Auditory disturbance sends me to the Chart Room, hoping to write what I was thinking about during my rest.

The essence of my thoughts revolve around unethical business practices- hunting practices, like when they hunted the passenger pigeons to extinction.

Roosting birds, like pigeons and turkeys, can be exploited by causing a disturbance before daylight where they roost. The birds will all flee their perches and nests which will make it so their nests can be robbed of eggs, and they can be easily targetted when they come to find their homes again when the sun comes up.

The same thing is being done to humans- exascerbating their senses with adulterated broadcasting methodologies. This causes for people to not be able to get a grip on their lives, and always be confused and distracted- engaging the senses with the saliency that steals their attention and allowing for the hypnotism to become employed. There will be chaos soon. 9:03

10:45 Thinking about paying to be heard- paying money to have your "ad" seen online or tv/radio. You can also pay in suffering. There are two types of suffering- suffering and remaining ignorant of why you are suffering, and how to solve the problems means that you are living in debt to that suffering. The paying is done by the study and resolve, and the development of the skills to communicate your having paid by your teaching about the remedies but in a world where the soap boxes have all been taken, and offered to you at a price too high. They have made us all silent by selling the stages to capitalists, gereating more capital byway of sales methodolgies that have enslaved the masses. 10:51 review for fluency and details of the illustration

11:09 The routine where everything is on, and I'm sitting here idle, thinking about everything that I could do if I had a bunch of money.

What can I do that doesn't cost any money? What can I do for free? What can I do to take my mind off being lonely? Oh what can I do with me? 

What can I do while I'm in this prison? Why can't I fly through the air and be free? What can I do with my hands that I'm reaching? And how do I wake up who's imprisoned with me?

When I do things, she can't notice that it's the TV and iPad, not Wii. And knowing her powers and energy's sleeping, and that we could break free if we were a Tweam? 11:16

11:51 Frustrated that nothing is going to get done unless I do it, I accept my day as it's served by putting my top coat on and going to work. 

It's a lovely black leather longcoat that has an official type of appearance. I wear it often as part of my uniform that helps to manage my ego for addressing the storms that might come, and do. 

It was a notion to take a nice shower and then have breakfast, maybe "walk the dog" and get my heart rate going. Just the kind of foreplay needed to make a team effort of cleaning the car out but I finally accepted that it's not going to get done unless I just do it. That means warming up into a chore mode with cleaning the kitchen or continuing to waste time while hoping she will become attentive. Yes, she worked all week so leave her be I guess. It's all about coping now that I see where I need to focus in order to continue being me. 

Having made a cake last night, she left me my share of the details with all of the evidence. All of the stuff is in the wrong side of the sink, and nothing but making a cake was what was done. I guess that's what I get for not helping- the parenting part of helping make a cake. 

The whole fucking media and all of the devices have poisoned us all, and I am desperate to find my tweam. 12:06

4:13 Having been lured into the bedroom, here I sit wasting time.

"Honey I shrunk The Kids, is on," she called.

That didn't interest me so much since there was so many things that needed attention- things that were already put off for another day. It's a snowball growing yet poised to tumble and fall but we can do it tomorrow, and tomorrow never comes.

No, tomorrow never comes, especially when it's someone coming to help you from drowning but becoming drowned is what we will all do in the end. It's a glutton's death, in a world and time when no one can quite get enough so, touching her nipple just twice led right into sex and my giving up.

It's now an Ice Age Marathon, on Disney Plus. Oh, we'll get our money out of that digital media service. 

It's kind of like being up before the rest of the house to go fishing, and without fishing no one will eat. After you decide to just get everything ready because time is a'wasting, you later learn no one is using their feet.

And after a few days of no one going, you end up going by yourself but when you get home you realize there's none left for you all because no one would help. So like a bird, you will nibble on a crumb you find laying here and there but your heart's always pining for someone to work with, someone to contribute and share.

You have to remind yourself, once in a while, that there's something special that is just meant for you. And while everyone's sleeping, distracted and sheepish, your path is a secret for you. 

Thoughts of my new hatchling, and Rocky's small scaley eye-lashes or Riley's eyes talking to me- and the spirits in nature, the angels are watching. There's magic there for only my eyes to see.

Rome wasn't built in one single day, 698 dry. The garden's always being weeded, tended as needed, and tears water the soil as each one lovingly drips from my eyes. 

Tomorrow we'll start working together at 2, and be in pajamas again by 5. If I just let things pile up while waiting, everything will become too much and I'll just end up with dealing with it then. I refuse to accept my life meaning nothing, and that this is just the way life is. And the reality of concerning ourselves with space travel is that the damage is too great to begin recognizing because it boils down to America, in then end 4:40

6:32 They are hunting for the eggs that were stolen from the sleeping sloth. Julie made a box of macaroni and cheese, sharing it with me although I ate a bowl of bean soup that I couldn't finish just a little while ago. Managing to eat a fair share of it was good considering I had only eaten a bit of soup all day.

A few minutes ago I was looking at the pigeons. Max and Mildred were both guarding their nest. I got a good look at the hatchling when they switched places. And with so much going on all around me that's wrong, it's little treasures like this that keep life interesting- a fairy tale you tell children to distract them from the pain that accompanies the truth. 

Riley sits attentive to my view, on the far left corner of the bed- toy at his front paws while he waits to play the game some more. I am glad that my attention makes him happy- wagging his tail with a low growl and a stare, and then he jumps down to wait for the toss. 6:44

7:05 Taking a stab at aromatherapy, I decided to make my usual popcorn on the stovetop. 

As I sit with it, in my spot on the bed, Riley paws at the bucket while making a noise with his voice. He likes having popcorn, taking a piece from my fingers, and then going to the foot of the bed to eat it. Back and forth, he'll go like that until he's interested in something else. Now he lies at my feet waiting for me to be done using my hands. 

He moves in a moment to lay right in front of Julie, where she is now sitting with the iPad, on the edge of the bed. She finally acknowledges him while managing distractions, petting him a bit.

And I wonder whether I am just having a midlife crisis or if what I am experiencing is all part of me losing my mind. Certainly, people would want me to believe that but all I see is what i have been told, and what has become true right before my eyes. 7:17

7:44 Riley barks from the living room. He wants to go outside. I ask him if he wants to go out, as I get up to do so.

After clipping the "love-line" to his collar, I reach up and open the door and then reach for the screendoor handle but hesitate. 

Peering out past our dark porch, I can see two very large dogs on the sidewalk near Julie's car. If I would've just opened the door, he might have run right out there and been killed by them. His line goes out about 24 feet, and reaches well into the area they were at. It's possible that they were friendly but with a very small animal, and costing so much money, it would be a terribly foolish risk. Thank goodness I looked twice before just letting him out.

Typically, I routinely look out the window- prepared for the worst when I do. 

Hopefully everything runs smoothly tomorrow. 7:58

Today's The Day

 11:34 1/19/2023 

It's been a slow and quiet morning, refreshing with a nice shower and outfit after trimming my beard.

The aviary project is going to require paracord, so I've been shopping around with the idea that 200 feet was my target but now I am realizing it will take twice that, at least. And, by the time I pay for shipping and delivery, I could've had it now for the same price at TSC which is what I will do. 

It's raining out, so I'll just work around the house today especially since there isn't a rush. If the chicks are born, they'll be better off where they are at rather than risk them out in the cold. It's not the time of year for them to naturally be hatching.

Bluegrass music plays, and the whispering of wings fills the air from them exploring about the room around me.

The mail still waits to be tended to, requiring some focus from Julie since a lot of it has to do with her mother. When I go through it alone, it risks things being filed away and forgotten- and all up to me when there's a situation all-of-the sudden. 

I've prepared myself for the reality, and possibility, that the egg won't hatch. The emotional effect on the mom and dad is hard to ignore, in the event that it happens but I am at the level of understanding that I can feel that pain just thinking about it. Empathic abilities are difficult to manage without serious growth of emotional intelligence. Thank goodness that I have been able to become to heal myself in these aspects.

Julie has been throwing up a lot lately, and I think it's because of the diabetes. It's just like detox from drinking, it seems- the body later rejecting the abuse with symbolic communications, like throwing up. It's very sad to watch and feel and deal with the feelings of helplessness a person has when there's nothing they can do. 11:49

12:58 Directing some energy, I worked in the dining room clearing the crap from the table. Yes, the mail. Everything is sorted, and the waste is unreal. 

Everything to go downstairs was condensed and staged near the stairway to be gathered up in one trip.

The music was no longer playing, pigeons preening themselves on restful perches. No sign of a chick yet.

Now the harmonica sounds fill the air from the Bob Dylan Bootleg Series, while I sort and file away documents that may never be seen again. 1:05

At 1:59 the transaction was completed to get married, filling the forms out online. Still no hatchling but I got a lot done while awaiting it. Finally, I spent some time going through my files and dispensing with files I no longer need. That generated about a reem worth of paper, and I contemplated making handmade recycled paper from it- turning the pain into art. Quickly, I just threw it in the bin, as opposed to adding another stack of "junk" to the already ridiculous stores. 

As for getting married, and all of the conditions that go along with unconditional love, other than being registered on capitalist's paper I do get a life insurance perk. It's enough, added to my $8000 that I bought recently, that I won't have to worry about any of the family having to incur any funeral expenses. For that, a person can't be too thankful. 

Pigeons cooing can be heard over the television, a cartoon following the nature programs that were on.

Riley lies at the far end of the couch, his sleeping act. At any moment, he's likely to jump up- triggered by my sudden movement.

It's a PBS channel, and the cartoon is nothing but hypnotic- no value but for a person escaping their need for attention. 

Turning it off, my contemplation is whether to go out and make my store run now or wait and give Julie a chance to accompany me. She's most likely not going to be interested, and I debate on doing it while she watches the news. 

This is when I should just relax and eat lunch but I don't really feel like eating, and often do not. It's routinely been a plate or bowl a day, and the fasting aspect of it is what helps regain your true senses. 2:44

4:09 Old, over-cooked spaghetti and mashed potatoes in the trash, summer sausage and colby was what I had.  Riley has to have some but doesn't care right now for the cheese, acting like he doesn't want to take it from me. The Outer Limits sucks me in while we eat, both watching the clock and the window out to the street. Rocky feasted on the rest of the worms, and we still have no hatchling. 

Somewhat froze to the shelf, I pulled out the bean soup for dinner just in case Julie would have that over rice crispies. The house is clean, and should always be welcoming. You never know what the day was like for the person finally coming home.

Saturday is the day that I decided to plan on going to TSC for supplies, and to Walmart to take back the black lights. My plan is to make a tripod with lengths of wood and rope, creating a tenting affect that will canopy the netting well. Julie's home 4:21

5:48 The day was stress free for Julie, happily stating that she didn't get sick today.

Bean soup was delicious and simple, and the evening has been device free until now. Retiring to the bedroom, she abandons me for the other television and her iPad, and then Jennifer calls.

It was nice to have a little conversation, and a bit of laughter to vibrate the rooms despite having to endure the news on The Five, and Alec Baldwin being charged with involuntary manslaughter from the movie set accident.

Sadly observed while scrolling Facebook news, I see that David Crosby has died. 81 is pretty ripe age, considering everything he was exposed to and endured- the alcohol and cocaine, for instance.

Having experienced life in the details that I have, I can only imagine what he went through but thank goodness for all that he was involved in creating. Someday people will discover, and rediscover, the beautiful music he made.

The solution to building the aviary was revealed to me in a flash while looking out the window to the backyard: manufacture 4 center poles with tripods at the bottom, about twelve feet tall. Then, lay them down where I want them to be. Take the netting and lay it out over the yard with an approximate amount of material at the perimeters, over top of the poles, standing them up one at a time. And then, go around to each one situating the netting accordingly. Once in place, secure the "flaps" to the chainlink fence with zip ties, and secure it to the buildings and stockade fence with strips of wood firring strips to create a secure tent. Easy peazy. There won't be one single thing that I'll need her help with. It will be as easy as it can get, and low budget. It should take about two hours, including going to get the materials 6:04

7:45 133 heart rate. After our workout, Mildred was out flying around, needing to be wrangled towards her nest area. Max was standing up, allowing me to see the egg clearly. We'll wait 21 days to see what happens. John Wick is pissed off since someone killed his dog, and the bodies keep dropping. And, I didn't move any mountains today but i did get some important things done. There were no fires to put out but for a bill collector with a settlement offer which I agreed to pay over the next two months. No cops or fire department. I love the end of the day. 

10:48 AM 1/20/2023

Hearing Julie, and the television, I called out her name several times while still dreaming.

Finally, I hear her respond to me but Riley was the first to answer by coming to see me. I just wanted to make sure she turned on the lights for the flock, and she had.

At 7:18, I climbed from bed to make coffee, shedding my sweat dampened shirt to grab her robe- thinking ti would be heavier than mine. It wasn't.

Sitting on the couch in silence, Riley came to me to snuggle and ask me to put him outside.

Pouring a cup of coffee, I could hear the pigeon activity downstairs but returned to the couch to smoke and sip my coffee while checking Facebook for this morning's news articles.

Refilling my cup, I decide to go check on the birds while already prepared that the egg might not hatch but when I get down there, dad is standing up to see what the others are making a fuss about. And there it was! Yes, the egg hatched. It was there moving around, partial shell next to it. Of course, I didn't have my camera!

After grabbing my camera, I went to see if I could get pictures or video but Dad got more defensive than before- swatting my hand several times. No pictures but when I shut it off, the hatchling's head was peeking out. In 8 days the eyes will open. When that happens, it begins my training of my very first pigeon. It's very exciting, and to have two more coming in the next two weeks! Oh man, I am excited.

The newborn's arrival triggered me to clean their pen out, changing the food dish, cider vinegar spiked water, and I figured today was a good day to let them have the bath water treatment because they like bathing. The idea is that they have a chance to wash a few days of dust and dirt from themselves, an effort to help keep the hatchling from getting sick.

Checking back in with The Crazy Pigeon Lady, to see if I could learn something more, I watched a few of her YouTube videos in between cleaning spurts.

Just like when a baby arrives, I tuned up the pen and "pigeon proofed" the rest of the basement by consolidating storage and stripping out what is trash. Cardboard lines the shelves they sit on, so I can keep control of the droppings. It's not that much work to care for them, if you can handle dealing with loose feathers, dust and a few droppings.

The last thing to do was, clean the kitchen. Then I returned to The Chart Room, where I worked some more with files and organizing. It's very hard for a man to adjust to retirement, being disabled or otherwise reduced to the domestic side of things constantly. I am rarely satisfied with what I get done in a day, feeling like I should have been more "productive," and seeing all of the work around me that only I can see. 11:13

5:45 The pigeons are getting more and more comfortable with me every day, letting me put my hands near them without moving away. For fear the parents will stop caring for the chicks, I'm going to avoid touching it until the eyes open up in another week. 

Julie came home from work at noon, taking half a day off of work. She wanted to see the baby right away, and then make a few errands. 

"Are we taking the brat," I asked.

The answer is usually no, and was but she went out to the truck (already running to get warm) while I filled my coffee mug. 

Having the lights to take back, and my arms and hands too full to get out the door easily, Riley dodged out through my legs and ran across the one-way street, to the tree he always runs to. 

After about three or four minutes, he finally gets in the truck. So much for the heat.

The truck has a radio that I was going to listen to but Friends played on Julie's iPhone. You don't want to miss the rerun, that funny part in the show is about to come up that the ads play before and after.

Firehouse was what she wanted so, after stopping to get cigarettes, a $13 foot-long sub, soda, chips and a bowl of soup was only thirty and change. 

Luckily I saw the "free sub on your birthday" deal by using the app. Hopefully we both use it, when we have our birthday in March, and get our money back. Her birthday is the 6th, and mine is the 11th. I could have made subs at home for a few dollars- sickening. I have no plans of ever returning.

The blacklights got taken back to Walmart, adding thirty-five back to my debit card. And my medicare paid for the denture adhesive- $3.38. Then I wasted thirty of it at the tobacco shop, plus fuel... I think the trip ended up costing me the five in fuel.

The plans for the evening now are, watching the Pinnochio film that Tom Hanks is in, which is where we are at now. 

You can be certain that there will be popcorn shortly, and then the hope is always to see how high my heart rate registers on the Fitbit later... 6:12

9:44 After watching Pinocchio we watched the new Buzz Lightyear movie, and what I just witnessed is an example of the things that I mentioned about refquency and interfering with our brains. The anxiety ride was remarkable, and I will add to this.

Just imagine if  they find out that all of the precious metals and stones removed from the earth were vital to the organism? And, that it had to be replaced in order to restore the balance.

Or, better yet, how an Elite group are cooperating with aliens stranded here, that goes back to the Anunaki or something like that. And that they are developing tech to further control us while building what they need to leave here with- abandoning us on an exhausted and diseased planet that's been stripped of all valuables. The end product of capitalism, and placing a far under-appreciated value on everything.

The Pinocchio film was great but for the cgi they use that destroyed actual animation artists and cartoonists. 

The Pleasure Island bit was a fantastic image of reality in the cities, the poison carnival 

As for the anxiety ride, they are over-stimulating everyone. There is a huge consequence to being at the extremes of sensation, which reminds me that I don't have a high heart rate report for the evening. 9:58