Permanent Ink

 5:18 PM 1/24/2023

Julie came home to dinner, and we ate at the table for a change. Yes, fried potatoes, Italian sausage and baked beans. Having timed it just right, I turned the burners off as she was pulling up.

Brandon made his prayer offering, while Riley was waiting for his food to be served. 

The tattoo shop was almost a disaster because there became a religious conversation that wasn't invited but it gave Dragon a good opportunity to offer some guiding clarity, where I was tiring of giving dictation that wasn't nurturing what isn't yet able to be. The religious discussion gets old fast where action says every word. And wisdom isn't something a person gets because they insist on having it. It's like a blossom that opens when it's ready. You can only be as ready as you can make yourself be. To become teachable is a choice in life, where our choices are what guides us when we learn discernment- to know what weeds are, what they do, and how to get rid of them from our garden.

My pigeons, for instance, are something that I planted in mine.

The younger generations are lost in the world they have been given- living life on fast food and Facebook etc...

The life is in the neighborhood, being forgotten and lost. When there's a fire, it's the community that puts it out. Facebook, for instance, is a world of pretend where the relating with one another is mostly absent of inflection and emotion. Text communications are but a fragment, and no one understands the pregnancy that might be implied. Intimacy is lost, and misperceived as something that isn't really there- to think that they love you, while they are searching for what love even is to begin with- always dissatisfied with what they discover when they have that person as a cohabitant. And to think they are able to have a relationship- 

To leave a woman and your child when you need to fix yourself to play the position. Taking a dysfunction into another relationship is the first mistake, like my quitting drinking.  Recognizing it but refusing the correction needed, is just delaying the inevitable destruction. When your mate says that there is a problem, you look at it together. It's building, changing, and teamwork! No, tweamwork.

And, no matter where I see the problems, my place is not to show a person what they are unable to see. Sometimes they have to endure the suffering to find out on their own. The struggle that makes one become what they can become, a baby bird fighting to get out of the egg. You can't peel the shell off to help. 

And that's where people, in general, are at- fighting to get out of their shells. And then the people that scream out about how wrong that suffering is?! Over-sensitized and misled, and everything to them is the meaning of life- their mission is trying to keep a Wolf from eating the young Elk in nature because it traumatized their kids. 

The balance of everything has been thrown off, and there's nothing one person can do but focus on what matters within their control. We can't all go to law school but we can pay attention to those things that threaten us today, and what we can tangibly see coming tomorrow. Like knowing that you might run out of feed for the animals before harvest...if you aren't careful. 

My hopes were that something would get done, like resolving technical issues that I am having that prevent me from doing what I need to do when I need to do it. Now, I am only reminded of how much I am on my own with my work, and that no one will do it but myself. It boils down to confidence.

My children's book illustrations are one thing that I hope someone will do, mostly because I lack the confidence to do them myself even though I have drawn some wonderful pictures. 

And, hoping they would make a difference, I understand that it depends on the parents reading the books to the kids. In a world where parents spend no time with their kids to consider reading to them, it seems like a delusion to even care.

Finding my happiness in my garden is one of the keys to survival- staying sane in a damaged world. Wanting others to find it for themselves is always the hope of the artist- the gardener. 5:52

7:35 AM

The volume on the television woke me up from my slumber, the damn news while Julie gets ready for work. Closing the door was only a small hint so, I closed it harder, and then harder- the third time was a slam.

If she wanted me up with her, the coffee pot gurgling wakes me up with it's whispers, taking three minutes to brew.

Coming in the front door of the house, you are entering the living room- lazyboy and couch on the right, with the television on the left. The door to the bedroom is at the end of the television stand, opposite the couch. 

The next room is the dining room, almost one room but for small amounts of wall on each side. 

Continuing straight, the next room is the kitchen, leading to the basement stairs on the left.

The bathroom, and her dressing room, is left of the dining room. 

The dressing room has a desk, a beautiful Amish dresser that has a full top display with mirror and crown moulding. Small shelves with small ornate rails guard each end of the mirror. It's quite grand, being almost eight feet wide, and just under seven feet tall.

On the desk, where she also has her make-up station, is a very large flat-screen TV.

Why she wasn't in there, I do not know. She's been doing this lately, and I hate to have to force it to be a conversation between us when it boils down to simple consideration.

Considering the battle we have these days for time away from television and devices, it's torture to be waken up by the news on television. And with three generations being influenced by TV, and all of the sponsors, it's next to impossible to find a person to discuss it with. The very gypsies they hated throughout history are now the puppetmasters.

No, I'm not bitching. I'm just saying, which reminds me... 

Setting up an air mattress in the basement, for Brandon, I also unscrewed a few lights with a strategy to guard my birds because their lights go off for night-time before he goes to lay down.

Leaving the light on, at the top of the stairs in the mud-room, provides enough light to see down there. 

Indicating a light on the ceiling, that he can unscrew to turn off, I tell him to use this light because it won't disrupt the bird's daylight pattern. 

When I finally gave up on sleep, I got up to dress and make coffee- turning the lights on for my pigeons first. 

Glancing down the stairs to see they are on, I see that the lights I unscrewed are on and shouldn't be which means that he was using them last night while on the phone and social media, disturbing my birds.

While laying in bed, last night, I could sense that something was in jeopardy. The air mattress is brand new, and expensive. Laying on the concrete floor, near neatly organized stacks of junk, and pallets where the washer and drier sit, isn't a good spot. And sometimes people don't think, and aren't careful. My thoughts were that it would end up being destroyed. They don't patch well. If I would have got up from bed to tell him, instead of text to not disturb Julie, I would have seen the lights on and corrected him. 8:28

8:36 Having coffee in Australia, virtually, with YouTube, a variety of pigeons and doves are being shown and explained. It's an investment of time, in my birds, to enjoy the studies. It's nature, outside, around the globe. 

The only thing better would be, doing it without commercials selling more destruction.

I want to go see my birds for a moment but can't because I'm not ready to start listening to seemingly fruitless religious rhetoric from a young person trying to say what he does not yet understand. It's caused a huge disruption in my space, all because I thought he could help. He is without a father.

The help I am managing to get is useful. Like the bird dying. You can't save anyone but yourself. The tests we face in life are each our own. Most will fail. The average grain of sand buys a fantasy of becoming a pearl, where wisdom irritates it to become. Not just any old piece of sand gets to be a pearl. And just because you are a grain of sand, it doesn't give you pre-entitlement of being a future pearl. A pearl becomes itself from personal development, not because it desires to be a pearl. It became a pearl when it became isolated- within the oyster. The oyster is the path. Isolating itself to become by choosing the path of the oyster. The sand is plain without choosing the path that it wants to be part of. Paths are walked upon where the people walk holding the pearls. 9:00

9:02 So I need to be selfish, to focus. I'm not making videos with subliminalizations in order to influence people to notice. And I'm not a religious zealot with a maniacal plan to save everyone, dishing out threats to anyone refusing to listen. Save yourself. People are drowning because they created their floods. Yes, and if you go to Yellowstone you may see an animal being eaten alive! We'll have to have a wolf hunt and manage the herd.

We've got all kinds but three types that I can see right now: People trying to get rid of nature, people trying to control nature, and people who are trying to defend nature. And, I suppose we can't deny that there are many people that have no clue about nature. Time for The Crazy Pigeon Lady. 9:11

9:16 Today is a good day to study more about the camera, and to make a flier and business card to use around town. 

Advertise what? 

Interior painting, home repairs and avian rescue I think. Brandon's up now. Here we go. 9:20 

9:40 Studying hard about these pigeons. Brandon is in the kitchen, cleaning up without any cue.

Retrieving a cup of coffee, he tells me that he's in a good place in his mind today, which is what I needed to hear and see. Hopefully he gets something out of the time he spends here with me that he can use to sort things out in his life. 9:42

9:49 Watching The Crazy Pigeon Lady about the health and diet of pigeons, I was right to crush the grit smaller but need to give them vitamin D so the calcium can be absorbed.

2:08 The pigeons found their way upstairs today. The two bald, and two frillbacks came right up but the dog was behind them so, he may have herded them when he came up the stairs. 

Noticing the two bald cock-birds pushing themselves between Max and Mildred do their mating dances, it was clear that they needed to be separated. After pushing them back to the stairwell, Max and Mildred roamed the rooms in peace.

It's in my best interests to influence the environment to make them want to mate, and the cock-birds are upsetting the mated couples. I don't really want to cage them but I do have the cages, and it needs to be done. Empathically speaking, I know how they will feel, which is why I haven't forced myself to do it yet. 

Things have calmed down, the message of calm and focus setting in, finally. The focus is on stabilizing a father to return to his job in the relationship. And, I should be flattered that he came to me for help especially since I can speak for the child and the mother, having been through familial dysfunction and destruction. It may not do any good but time is valuable, and in order to be happy with myself I have to do the right thing. The right thing is to influence him to return to the mother and child, get a job, and shut out the world to focus on himself. He has a serious religious complex, claiming that God assigned him to be a judge.

Twice, so far, a frillback landed on my head while I sat on the couch. It's nice to see them frolic around the room, making noises, getting comfortable.

Snow is coming down in small cottony pieces that now blanket everything. The roads have yet to melt off their blankets. In a short while, we'll be going for a drive to get groceries. My UnitedHealth benefits expire at the end of the month. I've not spent much of it, and could use some supplies. 2:24

9:05 PM It's always the most valuable words that we fail to write down. Wishing that I had recorded the conversations, whatever I said today really sunk in my friend's head- even calling his mother to forgive and be forgiven for whatever he did that caused the rejection. Hung up on saving the world, he's now focusing on himself in order to become able to be what he thinks he is supposed to be. 

"Forgiveness, that's a great topic. You see there are two ways of forgiveness. Sometimes we forgive people in our minds, releasing ourselves from the shackles of that pain. The other person doesn't always have to know that you have forgiven them, and can often lead back to the violence. You forgive them in silence, for your own peace- for yourself. Then you remove yourself from their abuse, understanding they have healing to do that prevents change. It's a weed that you found in your garden. And then, your mother is a plant in the garden you belong in. It's the fruit-bearing plant that helps you to grow so, you must nurture it. You first have to ask for forgiveness before mentioning their "wrong" that you are forgiving them for. Often it's not necessary to receive "credit" for it. You aren't the King, you are the Subject".  

Everything I said to him was the same as speaking to myself- reflecting on my journal in life while finding happiness in the moment. 

"Isolation is the path for the sand grain to become The Pearl- always focused on becoming more. To be valuable as a father to the child, and as an able counsel to others in need- leading when it is time to. Tuning yourself, and becoming aware of ego, is critical. To become able to turn on the adrenaline when it's time to fight for life or imprint the lesson, and when it is time to be the femenine - to nurture and exchange affection". 

This, I explained, is a perspective of the spirit when always trying to please the lord. 

"The Lord helps those who help themselves," finally sunk in where foodbanks were considered to be his idea of security and sustainance. 

"That's begging," I flatly stated, while selling plasma wasn't recognized as an option. 

What was the option?

His "new" girlfriend has an Onlyfans page- working the sex trade, with him "helping" her make the content. Trying hard to explain that it wasn't a business, and that it was worse that him being picky about the job he works- the evil corporations. 

"I'll bet anything that it's not contributing to the bills," I snorted, while trying to avoid triggering him to shut down the communication process. 

I explained, "Listen, the biggest mistake everyone makes is that they take the job, and quit looking for what they desire- the income, benefits, and hours. Never "settle" and just "make due". Always keep looking for something better but you must take what you can get in order to meet the basic budget needs, learning to live within that income until you have the chance to make it better or go for the promotion." 

"Always be concious of what you are doing, and the quality of people you are helping generate a profit, of course but you must learn that you can only change yourself, and you can't keep healing yourself while distracted with being destitute by your choices. You have absolutely nothing, and too small of a support base to be so fickle, which is insulting and abusive to those people that do support you." 

"Grandma should be your second priority because if you serve all of her needs, she may leave you the property that you believe will sustain you. Do everything with selflessness, and you'll find rewards but never expect it. She's been caring for you, and bailing you out, for 31 years. You owe it to her to focus on yourself, and become at peace by doing the acts that say what you want to say with words. Don't talk about religion, be what you think it is. Just be considerate, selfless and grateful," as we walked through the aisles at the store.

We gathered up groceries, totalling $135.36. It wasn't a challenge for him to see that the items were all ingredients rather than prepared foods of any kind. Swiping my health card, the register said "paid in full."

Anxious to leave, I failed to get the receipt. 

The WalMart receipt nazi stopped me on the way out, where I realized I didn;t grab it.

Brandon went back to the register to find out that I had to come back and finish the purchase.

The register wanted $5.36 more so, I finished and returned to the checker with the receipt.

Having caught a train, we sat and chatted for several minutes while the train was at a dead stop. 

"Sit down and create a song for your girl and child. Not a song with sounds of angst and demonic sounding growls of garbage. Create a beautiful song full of love and wanting, and happiness. Creating the song is you sacrificing yourself to save the world. Investing time into creating that song is your contribution. You can't divert time away for caring for yourself to help people that probably can't be helped. You'll end up obsessing about it by investing all of your time into forcing people to see it. Just plant the seed in the garden and move on to the next seed."

When we arrived back at the house, Julie had just finished parking. He went to the door with her, failing to fill his hands with some bags. After I got the second trip in, he asked if I needed help, going out to get the eggs that I was going back out for next.

After he cleaned out the refrigerator a little, he helped put things away, and then said that he was going down to write a song. 

He went downstairs and stayed for most of the evening, only coming up a couple times for cigarettes. 

Alone in the basement with his note pad and my acoustic named, Rhonda, he sat calmly in his focus. My ears monitored his efforts, stopping to listen once in a while. He was actually tuning in to his spirit.

While lying in bed, virtually living the life of the Vikings, the day replayed in my mind. Part of me was in a rustic village with the scent of woodsmoke, animal urine and ale mash, gently wafting on the occasional breeze. The sounds of bleating goats, the grunt of the pigs, and lovely horse snorts coming from the barn and pens...

Everyone imagines being a Kind and Queen, in a Castle, but they have no sense of the reality: it was cold, dark and often damp. The halls would smell of dog and cat urine. The moat of sewage, a cesspool surrounding the building. The people that work to live there, dumping their waste down the side of the building instead of away, always needing to be corrected. Picking the fly eggs off of the meat that hangs while it cures... It was all work. And, when work was done, they celebrated together. No one was just laying around eating grapes. And, we have no cause for celebrations in these times, that have been earned. 8:58