1/16

 12:05 PM 1/16/2023

Yes, the game ends when we stop playing. And, taking back our time is the hurdle we face, while everything is becoming out of control. The issue that few are aware of is, the technology has us all addicted. And the propaganda has everyone misled, divided and hypnotized. Even if they stop for a moment to realize it or acknowledge what the problem is, they go right back to it. It reminds me of Wall-e. And, I am more than confident that my home and "family" relationship is not at all unique but for the fact that I am aware of much of it, and awakened to the greater consciousness. Apart from the things that frustrate me, I am more happy and content than I have ever been. My problems are that I cannot find anyone interested in contributing.

The music is nothing more than composition efforts being recorded in hopes that other musicians will find value in them but no one, as of yet, is interested. And, yes, there's more to it. Like the self-love and healing aspects, as well as using it as one of the routine things I do on my show.

The children's stories need illustrations but no one is interested in creating them, leaving me to consider creating them with the technolocy they are using these days, which I don't want to use.

My novel requires a marketing plan and a revisit of how it is listed and tagged on Amazon.

And then there is all of the issues that I am having with the computer, like trying to download files from my camera in order to put the images and video on thumb drives etc...

And that just a few things.

My girl is so focused on her devices that she is useless to even begin discussing it. Whenever I do ask her to help me a moment, she is visibly upset about being interrupted with her devices so, I rarely ask her for anything especially since she generates the money that pays the majority of our bills. Then I remind myself that she is an exact cross-section of American Society, at least, and that my observations of her are a greater source of my socialogy studies.

My love for her is as it should be, unconditional and with understanding and empathy. For me to try to focus my efforts at palettable confrontations regarding my complaints would only cause complete destruction, and I would not have a home at all. So, I am making the most out of what I can while trying to do what I need to in order to maintain, and further develop, my piece of mind and focus of self. 

Writing in my journal consistently is a huge part of that, and one of the "self-love" techniques that I try to keep offering to those who watch my show. And, thank God for my show because it is proving to be a video journal to study for myself to keep focused.

The things that I have been recording, my book for instance, are big pieces of evidence on the trail we have travelled in these times- my travels that my children might read when they yearn for time with me.

And, all of the things going on with social media sites, and the entire media width, are irritations reminding me that I am too distracted and need to resist. This is where "hobbies" come into play- that and taking an inventory of my life.

Julie bought me a Harley so, I have to always be grateful for that, especially when I am frustrated that I am alone with everything but sex. She also got Riley, which adds to my work and takes a lot of my attention but he didn't ask to be a puppy-mill dog, and he's a representation of nature- God. And, of course, my pigeons project. 12:37 

6:10 PM Took it easy today, stepped back from everything I could. Fighting the devices is real. I'm watching a movie called, Green Book. Watched The Greatest Showman earlier, just trying to reanalyze things in the background while I think. This last movie mentioned was pretty relevant to what's going on, in a lot of ways. Julie is in bed, relaxing, having come home with a box of rice crispies. She made a bowl while I put away a large ziplock bag of bean soup. I have been tending laundry, and interacting with the pigeons while gathering my thoughts. 

Battling with the ego is interesting, sometimes. Wondering who I think I am, to have the need to write and compose- and to do it for the value it might one day have, as opposed to the push to make a profit. And then, the disability part, where I am at home not working- not making the money I need to solve problems that take a truly immense amount of money to solve. And then, the reality is that even if I had that money, I would still be lacking what I truly want. 6:20

6:55 The hardest part of becoming awakened and aware of consciousness is the feeling of isolation. People talk about feeling alone in life but they have no idea what alone feels like when you awaken in a world where everyone is sleeping. And, after the past week I see a few other people out there so, I know that I am not alone in those feelings. The part that helps give me peace is the animals that I have in my life, in my care. And having my work to reflect on helps a great deal because I can clearly see the difference between where I am now, and where I was. The growth is so very clear to see all along the way, and seeing that growth is a gift all its own. 7:00

8:11 Just turned off the light for the flock. I always make sure they're perched for bed before I turn it off. 

Back to feelings, like shame and pride. Not bringing significant money home, not being able to figure out how to sell my book.. Not knowing how to use my camera after having it for at least 3 years. The feelings I have first thing in the morning while cleaning the kitchen- the trash. And every time I look, I see things that should be in the recycling bin. Everything feels one-sided. She doesn't even think about it. And here I am, with my used coffee grounds as if I can help save the earth. I feel extremely guilty, as a human, and being part of the consumerism age. It's hard to start a day awakened to what is, and what is to come. Trying to keep hope alive for a dream that we can be the beginning of healing for the world is a fantasy that very well could come true. And the animals I have help with the spirit when it's needs lifting. Their eyes seem to say we're all right. 8:26

8:58 It's Dr. Martin Luther King Day today. Tomorrow will be 17 days since Mildred laid the egg. It should hatch at some point. I only hope I can catch it when it happens. It would be great to capture on film but I do have an appointment with Matt, at the communtiy mental health place nearby. I am not sure why I started going there but it gives me a chance to talk to someone every couple weeks. If nothing else, it helps to be looked at by a person when you talk. Just someone to check in with once in a while, to tell me when I am crazy. 9:03

9:29 There are no demands upon me that are not my own. And, quite simply, I demand more of myself. I should be satisfied with that, knowing I have what I have, and grown to the point that I have grown. 9:31