Silence only hurts more

It hurt so much for you to say that I am retarded or crazy. How can you deny all that I have done or given to you and to your children? How can you not give me any credit for all that I have invested into a child that so few want to be responsible for? How can you say that I have done so much wrong to you when you have never done anything to help to manage our home, money, children, or property? People you work with asking me about whether you are as good as you tell them you are when it comes to blowjobs- and keeping me away from the many invites to the various parties thrown by co-workers for years. You can't understand why someone would call you a whore after all of that?

Then to hear you battling at work with other women employees to put catheters in men patients? Just to be able to handle their "one things" Going out of your way to? You have been inapporopriate at work in my regards and it hurts to know it. You have cheated on me- taking a pregnancy test when I came home from prison on a charge that I should have never had- and I was so, loving you, and so stupid to say my testicles might have grown back together- in my own denial that you would do that to me! You have been deceitful, disloyal, dishonest, and you have degraded me.

I gave you everything you ever asked for and more. You cursed what we had- you admitted it without saying it in the confessional letter that you sent to me saying how you were making yourself fat to keep other men away from you. You must have sucked off or screwed the men who were working on the house- thats' why the shower plumbing wasn't hooked up. And why my tools were ransacked. You made the biggest mistake of your life. I loved you more than anything. I loved you. How can you mistreat someone who makes all of the huge sacrifices to have a life together? I can't possibly hurt more.

That was what went through my head as I lay in my bunk in the jailhouse on other charges that should not be- possession of marijuana that I should have a card for but you refused to take me to get it for the sake that it cut into your gambling money and internet time. Thank God I made it through those terrible thoughts. And thank God that I have become empowered to have my own life back and make something of it.

March 26- 2016- HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANIMAL! You would have been 57 this year. I am so sorry to have lost you to death due to your addiction- alcoholism. You dies in your sleep when your organs decided that they were too tired to keep going- exceeding your daily allowance of fun one too many times. I have felt that I am next and I worry that my work will be unfinished. I fear that my open letter to my children and to the world will not come into fruition- fruit that may help other tormented souls out there flailing about on the stressed of heartlessness and human nature. I miss you Danny. I miss our time making music and art. It has been robbed from me with the loss of you and all that you reawakened me to.

But, I am feeling pretty good as well as comfortable. There's a few dollars in my pocket, so I have writing supplies and a few conveniences. My immediate concern- code from what's left of my family, is that I am about to lose my new friend, Jack Adams. He's about to be picked up by Oakland county for about 90 days. I have appreciated his intelligence and camaraderie- a fellow musician who is recovering from about ten years of heroine use. I do not capitalize it in order to minimize it's power- as demons dislike. My hope is to receive a letter from him in the future. Along with Russ Buss.

As for my "family," well, I feel that Jenny has been unfaithful in a multitude of respects or aspects since there is nothing respectable about any of it. I think my grandfather was trying to tell me that I need to leave her- that I have done all that I can do; that I have done a great job but she is no longer worthy of me and my efforts. He wants me to take care of myself- to live for my own dreams; that I have put my life on the back burner for far too long. Time is running out for me to complete my works.

There will always be a girl for me to share with and love when I truly need a companion. Stop letting one take everything from me, robbing me of life with selfishness. Stop letting her encourage her children to abuse me. My life is worth more than to only be a maid with no spine for the sake of belonging to someone. I need to belong to my dreams, which are only to share what I have to offer, in hopes to help someone else find life for themselves as well

I need to stop the cycle of being desperate for love and affection. I need to forgive my mother for not wanting and not loving me- for abusing me out of her own embarrassment over the secret that she became pregnant for me by her step-brother. I need to try to get past having been abused and mistreated all of my life by my family. I need to forgive myself for not being able to fight when my ex-wife, Mindy, left- taking my children from me, destroying me with that act. Having died and survived many times because of my agony. Six times or more, I have died and been brought back. So many that I can only count them all- or atlas the recorded ones, if I were to file for hospital records.
I have since been trying to live- a choice that began in the summer of 2006, after my best friend died.

Alcohol took Danny away from us on June 6, 2006.   6-6-06 And three days later he took Dusty with him. At least I am glad that they are together. They loved each other too.