"Despondent-" turning pain into knowledge and support

When I, eagerly, began my voluntary position in the family, 
the video games were a priority. 

 Drew stayed in his bedroom with an Xbox, and was allowed to graze through the kitchen as he pleased.   

His diet was, and still largely consists of, ice cream, fries,
chicken tenders, soda pop, entire blocks of cheese, and cereal- with enough milk to entirely drown it, which is then left on the counter to be dumped down the drain- by someone else...(zach).

Since his father was a self indulgent, and "Familially" ignorant individual, Drew became interested in only what he was exposed to, as so many children are. And that was commercialized spectator sports, as in baseball and hockey, mostly. 

This was the avenue to pursue his father's attention, so when he got the opportunity to play floor hockey, that's what he did.

And since Siena wanted attention, as well, she wanted to play too because everything her brother did she wanted to do- which is natural.

Of course, neither one of them wanted to actually do the work it took to be part of the team. They just wanted to do it, to play the game for the sake of playing, which is fine but you still need the proper orientation. 

Steve very rarely showed up at a game. Since I insisted on taking pictures and shooting video, I knew when he was there and when he was not.

We were alway dealing with nonsense, like having to turn around, to go all the way back home, to get Drew's socks or some other part of his uniform. 

And Siena fought, tooth and nail, due to not having a specified bedtime, being up until the wee hours of the morning, playing video games, watching television and movies on tape or doing whatever she pleased. 

And that's not to mention the Product of having gotten no rest- daily fighting, screaming, and bawling over everything, starting with getting out of bed and brushing her hair, that was always in her face causing problems when trying to play on the TEAM- the poor Coach.

She had just turned four when I became involved with her life. The way that she was awakened was by turning on the television in her room. Then putting a movie in the vcr and waiting- not my idea.

Jenny had to be at Sparrow Hospital for "work" by 6:30 am. 

The daycare services, that the Hospital offered, didn't begin until 7:30 am.

Steve "worked" with her at Sparrow. His "job" was wheeling little old ladies outside to smoke. He still "works" there while touting statements about Societal Contributions and keeping a "job." 

Jen left me to tend to the kids, to make sure that they got off to school.

It was extremely difficult to be responsible for Siena. The perimeters that I was left to work within were very unusual to me.
My approach was a little different anyhow. 

The TV method did not agree with me, going into her room to prod her from bed, little by little, every minute while detailing the kitchen, and taking the dog out to potty. 

Drew was twelve, and a bit different to tend to. He had grown accustomed to the lifestyle, requiring a lot less cueing. Not to mention that he didn't want to be scolded, and didn't respond well, having never been scolded, in the least- unlike Siena insisted on, or seemed to.

In my efforts to befriend them, I was careful not to over season things.

Jen had instructed me regarding Siena. 

Siena liked to fight. Siena loved to argue. She helped herself to everything and anything.

They never asked for anything at all- helping themselves to whatever- everything but what needed to be done. 

Siena was always her own being, never asking for help- just complaining. 

There was a toolbox in the house. If I were to base ownership on observation- it was Siena's. 

As for the premises, the kids were accustomed to having servants- later, I would learn that the servants were slaves- 8years later.

I wanted a family so badly that I, willingly, looked past, and ignored, every single red flag wall papering the apartment. The first one was a creature, held in captivity for affection, that did not have it's needs met.

Beware of this in the future! I became exactly that. 

Even as the Truth surfaced, I looked past it- trying even harder, repeating what I did for Mindy- putting my interests and hobbies aside to take on more responsibilities, in order to gain the Love and Affection that I, so desperately, wanted and needed. 

It only resembled what I wanted so very badly- badly enough to accept whatever reasonable facsimile of Love that I could get.

Never having received Love, I had no apples to compare it to.

Being a bit stubborn, and unwilling to give up, I kept trying to conquer something impossible to conquer, being only half of an equation. 

My mistake was thinking that I could make the most of anything that fell in my lap, proving to anyone who said something could not be done, that it most certainly could be done because I said so. I call it Zachery Polk Syndrome. 

An apple a day keeps the heartache away. Is that what they say? 
I could really use a bag of apples right now. Nectarines would do just as well. 

Either way, when they start to spoil, I can just make wine with them. And if I had just done that in the first place, accepting my singularity, I probably wouldn't care much about anything at all- Despondent.

written on the day of the tenth Anniversary of the death of my best friend, and Band mate- Dan DeRuiter. Founder of, Prospect Studio.