What I've Learned Today 4-6-17 trailer fiasco

What I Learned Today

April 6, 2017

by Zachery Polk

Document set up is Important.

This one, for instance, is centered.

My Enthusiasm has Prolonged My Ignorance.

My lists are Haphazard, and possibly Offensive.

Privacy Options, Engagements, and file systems & then some.

Lost engagements, parties, and conversations-

What Debt!

Thank God, for a Moment Spent with my Pamphlet.

I had an Engagement...I Decided to Cancel~

Enough of that, although I could go on but most likely lose the attention of anyone who may

personally care- other than just losing the interest of the general Reader altogether.

In my haste to resurrect my previous endeavors, I failed to READ THE MANUALS.

I just jumped right back on and rode it as hard as I could, for as long as I could, and kept going.

It didn't occur to me that I would be wasting any time what so ever, if I just kept at it.

Everything has been set aside- caring for myself being one of them. I just stay at my claim,

and pan away night and day- often causing myself more problems in the process.

Hashtags, for instance, are HUGE... if you know how to use them.

Although, thinking of them often but more as a piece of debris whizzing by in the spinning storm of

thoughts that paralyze a person into a heap of confusion-

the kind that make it so you need a whole week just to make a piece of toast.  

And that doesn't count the spreading.

After the failing of my domestic efforts, my life has spun out of control. Hiding within the walls of a

place where I cannot appear to reside, has made it even harder to escape the prison in my head.

A separation in medical services, medications, and all forms of support, have had huge implications.

My only coping mechanisms, other than copious amount of alcohol, guitar, and writing, are staying

focused on... exposing myself (laugh track), in hopes of finding a gig- doesn't matter.

Keeping people engaged is encouraging, though no one follows the story on Blogger, or

YouTube, but I don't ask people either. Nor do I tag my materials appropriately or proofread, or any

one of the processes at completing an essay properly. I haven't done anything but share a bunch of

crazy scribbling, subtly whining and crying about my pathetic existence.

The margins aren't set right, nothing's spaced properly. I get it.

Just a week ago, it dawned on me to compare notes, so I broke it down

and started using symbols and images- adding my own brand of

SALIENCY- maybe too much.

The smartest thing I have done in the past year, was purchasing a good computer.

It wasn't that the iMac20 isn't good, it's fantastic. The problem is

my RAM is malfunctioning, which is killing me because I have had it for 7

years. It has all of my content on it, not to mention that I am familiar with it.

This comp, however is pretty fancy. I thought I'd be smart at BestBuy-

asking, "which one do them smarty-pants college kids buy with dad's money?"

I had to buy the next one up from that... and to be honest, I haven't got a clue how to use it.

If I actually worked at it rather than journal or focus on trying to sell things that are not properly

represented on the various sites that my content is located, I might have actually become to where I

search to be. I ask that you understand, Prospect Studio was scrapped by the insistence of my love

interest, and has been a mere fantasy smoldering in the memories that storm.

In my haste and exhaustion

I picked up my new comp two fingered

By the screen... Pinching and breaking it, rendering it useless.  Fortunately I purchased the protection plan but it does me no good at the moment and will be several weeks befor I have it back. By that time I will have been placed in situations out of my control and unable to continue my efforts. My fear is that my contacts and developments will have been all but extinguished.

My Ship has been destroyed and is sinking. I am left with only my dinghy and no oars, so push on in distress, I must.

While my foot runs the bilge, and my hand's on the tiller,

I am determined to Escape The Despondent Sea.

Have A Great Day!
zacherypolk

"The heavy price for a deceptive love"

Jenny had a friend helping her with the kids but the very second that I became to be in the picture, Andrea, moved out and abandoned the situation- another big fat red flag, that I should have appreciated.

As far as, Pudge, the Dachshund, Jen, who never had been educated about nor had a dog in the past, said that Pudge was just "marking". They continued to allow him to live in the apartment, as if he rented a room, same as the kids.  In less than one year Pudge would be dead due to common everyday carelessness that went unrecognized and uncorrected, and was soon forgotten like loved ones in a convalescent home.

Despite published advice from Psychologists, Jen allowed Drew to replace the dog soon after. That dog was almost identical to Pudge- same colors and pattern only it was a beagle mix and proved to be a terrible idea- just as warned by the
Psychological Professionals.

Drew continued to go about his "development" playing on the x-box day and night, having his way with my laptop until he destroyed it with his entitlement to be careless and irresponsible, and unparented despite my many voiced concerns.

Siena was not much different, only her age and desire for attention made her much more accessible to provide guidance to as well as influence. She took to the outdoors as soon as I showed it to her. Siena learned almost everything she knows, from myself. She is a good shot with a bow, plays multiple instruments, draws very well, writes, reads books, studies multiple languages, knows how to prepare some forms of wildlife and livestock, build a fire, fish, hunt, some tracking, forage, ride a bike, tie her shoes, raise chickens, gardens etc... all because of the time I have spent with her.

No persons can be assembled to accumulate more time spent with her that would anywhere near mine.
No one has an amount of Care and Time Invested into this Child and her Environment more than I do. But she is just like her mother when it comes to instruction- resistant, omnipotent, argumentative, wasteful- an extreme and severe challenge to deal with no matter who you are or your authority.
And her mother refuses to correct her... Maybe fearimg the Child will leave and she will pay Steve child support.. Money and Control .

It'd been hard but I continue my work with creating who she is becoming.

The first thing that she wanted to be was a marine biologist. Now she wants to be anything but female. She has become to believe that she isn't good enough and it hurts so bad to know how badly she is hurting. Her mother has seemingly erased her sense of pride for what she has become because of me, with respect to the emotion and sense of self that she has been exhibiting since I made, what seems to be, the mistake of asking Jenny if Seina has told her that she loves her, back in January of 2015- according to my journal when I shared that Siena had been coming to me, telling me she loves me, and giving me hugs. Jenny seems to have destroyed all of that. And that hurts beyond my capacity to illustrate my feelings enough for.

Since then Jen has stopped taking me to my appointments with professionals. My mouth has become infected four times- now for the fifth time. Even though she is my paid personal assistant and caregiver, she has abandoned me within my own home. She refuses to take me where I need to go or direct me to tend to my affairs- not to mention the avoidance of her own. And she has now gone back to her old ways of not answering the phone when it rings- avoiding any and all confrontations. She has been refusing to facilitate helping me to attend the programs or complete any of the requirements needed in order to get my drivers license back, which would enable me to tend to my own affairs related to my welfare. Although she has me driving Siena to school and running errands etc... mostly due to her laziness and Siena's lack of discipline, or the instruction needed to manage this child. Repeatedly, I tell her, "You wait for the bus. The bus does not wait for you." But Jen entertains the child's delinquency by changing her schools to meet her wants. School records, which I possess, support this statement 110%.

What do I have to do in order to do what is right? What price do I have to continue to pay, and for how long? Do I not deserve some right to this child after being her only parent for the past 8 years? But tomorrow I go to court and possibly prison or jail because the police had to charge me with something in order to have a reason to remove me from my own home, at Jenny' whim over her not wanting to discus why Siena was only grounded for one day without computer after pulling a knife on her mother over cleaning her room?  Or why we made 72 thousand dollars for the past four years every year but have not set any money aside for an emergency even? Yet she comes to my hotel room to use me for sex, preying on my love for her? And services that she know my mind and desires, further manipulating me for her own needs.

Why can I not say that enough is enough entirely? The price I am willing to pay is indescribable and I  drink myself to sleep over the torment of what is right and what actually is. I am dying for love.

It would be while staying at a crisis residentil home recovering from the next breakdown... I returned to an ever bigger destruction. It was as if it were deliberate.

Salvaging what efforts I had been preserving and considering the loses, I would not arrive at a clue that ended up revealing Another whole story of #corruption and greed.... And betrayl. But that wouldnt happen until ANOTHER 16 MONTHS- April 1 2017

zachery s polk.  Thanks For Reading.