Escaping The Despondent Sea : "Die a little more" #journaling

3/3/2023 5:11 PM

can't you see me crying

crying without tears

wasted days and wasted nights

beer and whiskey spillin years

can't you see me crying

tears of joy yessiree

can't you see i'm crying

filled with that good energy

fog has lifted all around

now the truth is plain to see

secrets sought for now are found

it was right there for all to see

Everybodies crying babe,

crying out to be free

free from ugly all around

tuning in to that frequency

can't you see me crying,

can't you tell I'm free

can't you see me flying babe

filled with that spirit that is for free

That's just a rough idea for a blues-rock song to work on.

Had a great start to March by finally getting the power in the garage. Soon, a opener system and light will be installed. Then, I can get everything organized and button up the loft. In a month the whole flock will be out there once the squab are 28 days old.

Yesterday, I went to work on a house that needed tuck pointing and prep done for a coat of paint in the basement. The foundation walls are old block and brick, cracked up and leaking in many places.

3/7 10:21 PM

Just got back from Peyton's Elementary School Music Concert. They were much better than Christmas. The Choir finished off with 4 real good songs. It was nice but for the fact that Jenny, once again, didn't bring mom. I am very much saddened for her. Remarkable, is what it is. It's too much work for Jen. Yeah, just wait Jenny. Just you wait.

Worked today on a basement pumpout. Furnace(s) removed, and prepped for concrete and brick repair, as well as a new furnace. Obviously this happens often since the last furnace that was replaced was still in the basement, along with a wheelbarrow full of mud from the last time. It was so ful, and heavy, it was all we could do to get it out and dumped!

The kid I worked with was uplifting in the sense that he was intelligent, astute, well mannered, and a good worker. In no way, did he resemble the inmates of society. It made me feel good to work with him.

When I got there this morning, I instantly felt the negative energy beyond the general feeling the city gives me. It felt hostile- volatile. I was very considerate and careful about where I parked.

I began picking up trash in the yard as I approached the house, returning to my truck shortly after. A man was in his yard, behind a splitrail fence. Instantly, my senses said that he was the subject- the source of my concern.

I greeted him, asking if my truck was okay where it was parked. He was not radiating any visual signs of being pleasant, responding that it wasn't in a good spot but it was okay for now. He further mentioned something about "the bitch" and I went about my business without causing him to be irritated with my presence.

Later, the lady living where we were working had mentioned him being an "asshole." elaborating a bit about the arguments about parking on the street. It was confirmation, all the way around, that I need to pay close attention to my spirit and trust my senses. Daily, I become more and more sensitive- in tune with everything.

Around 8 pm, I get a text from a kid working on our crew. He's apparently getting gossip from one of the inmates working with us. There was a brief discussion about productivity, headaches and conflicts due to lack of experience. Like a guy with no skills smoking concentrates first thing in the morning, and then being counter-productive, creating more work by not being mindful or following the protocol- the dictation of the situation! The text is on my phone. I'll add it later.

This is where the typical routine is to campaign against me for fear I am their replacement- to a job I don't necessarily want. Yes, money is good (I guess) but i'm not doing it for the money. I am on a quest, and somewhere along the path, I'll make a friend that I desperately want.

Certainly, there are a lot of other men out there that hope to find another man worth knowing. Hopefully, more than one.

Yeah, that's what she said! I'm exhausted. 10:49

3/8 8:27

Just crawled into bed after filling a pitcher with water for my bedside.

Max is resting on Riley's little bed, after having taken a leisurely bath in the kitchen. Mildred had a bath yesterday, and he just came upstairs to visit about a half hour ago so, I put a nice hot bathwater in it for him while showing him as he snacked on the table. When I put it in the kitchen, on the floor, he came right in for it. I recorded him- a whole 7 minutes. He actually got out to go potty, and then got back in.

My pigeons never poop in their nest. When they switch places, they drop an amount about the size of the egg. They are very fussy about being clean, despite creating so much detritis. They are teaching me a great deal, and I find it to be something very special. I just love them.

Mildred just had a bath

The archangel eggs weren't fertile, and having had so much trouble with infertility, I am wondering if that's why I happened to have the chance to buy them. Maybe there is something that I need to know, it just cost me a pretty good vet bill to find out...

Julie was home today, having thrown up several times before she had to leave for work.

The foundation repair was on the slate for me, which I went and tended to. Picking the stairwell to start with was a move to repair the traffick area before the traffick of the trades increases. The other reasons were, to be as productive as possible while making a show of force in favor of the property owner and my boss. Not to mention, it was the easiest thing to do with the materials available to begin with. The only person that knows that is, the guy doing the repairs because there is nothing easy about any of it but for walking off of the job. And, anyone can do that.

Andrew, my coworker, was spearheading the downspouts and drainage situation but was limited due to lack of materials so, I had him make a list of everything he need while pointing out that the backside of the downspout is split down the length of it- the point he is building off of.

Later, as we were about to leave, I asked to see the list. It was incomplete. There was no foresight of seeing the job thru in his mind in order to get a count of anything, like straps for instance. I'm trying to groom him without actually doing his job or bossing him around. Maybe I should've walked him through it and did it with him but I have expectations that I felt he could easily meet up to. And, I should have stepped in and done the walk around and did the job in my head for him which would create the list. It just goes against the reason for having two guys on the job. I never send two guys to do what one can do. And, you don't get part of me, you get the whole thing. I'm not going to sit back and let everyone else do the thinking while the clock runs. I'm not trying to make a career out of fixing up a rental property. Get it done and move on but do your best because later, when you have to return for further repair, you don't have to tear out what you already did. Goooosfrabaaaaaahhhhh......

Okay. So, I get done with a nightmare and make a stop at another residence to relight a water heater. It's a heavyset mother with several kids. It's still Christmas there, and the kitchen is a pigstye. There's a crockpot with a few meatballs in it from a day ago or more, there's trash strewn all over, cereal boxes and pizza boxes, pop bottles and trash- a full day restoration project just in the kitchen to clean.

I'm as clean as I can be but the basement is holding water and sludge, so I bring in swampers and knee pads, and a stick lighter that I just put in the truck. It's brand new, never used. It doesn't have any fuel in it so, I retrieve a cedar shim from my truck to light it with.

After multiple times of failing to ignite the pilot, I call Morris for a quick chat to see what he knows about this particular unit. He suggests a torch, and to clean the orifice because it was under water and may be corroded. It's a 6 year warranty, and much older. It will be replaced soon but this one has to work for a little bit longer.

When I get back to the house I see Julie made it home but remember she never left. Grabbing a pepsi from the fridge, I see a pot of something cooking on the stove that looks like she forgot about it. And, man am I starving.

Asking her a stupid question, like where something was, only mad me mad at myself. All I wanted to do was come home after work and rest but it was clear I was going to still be working for a while. She only pays bills and buys stuff.

Locating two tanks of fuel, my torch head is nowhere to be found. Finally, I found it on the bottle of fuel I used it on. It was right where I put it.

Putting everything in a pail, I return to the basement, where I clean the pilot head with my brass wire brush- tapping on it multiple times between rigorous brushings with a 3/4 inch box end wrench. Then I turned the heat setting up to max, and then back to low before heating the pilot with the torch. You could hear the gas petering out of the port, and the sound of pieces of corrosion spitting out like sand until it was finally clear. The pilot ignited, and I left for home.

Taking my log book, coat, coffee cups and accessories, I planned to return to the truck to secure the tools and lock it up but when I got inside I was blown off course. And, at this very minute, I am realizing I never did return to secure the truck and cargo. 9:21

9:28

After pleading with assistance locating some winning scrathoff lottery tickets, and a menards rebate ready for the mailbox, I get no help but it needs to be sent out- along with the broadband she wants me to return.

The food she made was just noodles for herself so, I leave her to her iPad and Fox News, in order to make myself something while cleaning the kitchen and washing dishes.

There are drumsticks in the fridge, that I already said needed to be cooked several times. On the edge of being spoiled, I rinse them off and toss them into the popcorn bucket. Whisking two eggs up, and making seasoning to coat the chicken, I've got the frypan getting hot but scorches the oil because i am doing too many things in a hurry.

Reducing my agony in the future, I punish myself with more work by putting together a pot roast for the crockpot at the same time.

The food and water bowls for my pigeons all got washed out last, also making up fresh tincture and enriched seed mix.

Rocky was smiling for me when I fed him a good portion of mealworks- everyone was happy. Except for having to be in cages that is.

When it was all said and done, I had fried chicken and fried potatoes for dinner, and had dinner made for the next several days. It was 7:20 when I got to sit down to eat. It was cold but Riley was happy to eat a cold dinner with me. He got to eat a whole drumstick to himself but not the bone. He loves my cooking, and he loves his daddy.

Putting the earphones on to listen to my content, I continue eating alone but for Riley. We play the throwing game and try to relax.

Tomorrow will be much the same- patch up another soldier for a senseless war, and hope to make it back to bed without getting arrested or drunk. Playing my own music really makes a difference. And if no one loves me at the end of the day, my animals do. And so do I.

And, I know when I finally get to go home, I'll be able to do nothing but play with all of the gifts that I have been promised. I know in my heart that I truly earned them. 9:50

3/10/2023 11:54 AM

Today is Riley's 2 year birthday! I gave him a shower this morning, trimming his face up as best I could do, alone. Maybe that comma doesn't go there.

We worked yesterday, repairing a small window, and stripping my form. After prepping the other side of the stairwell, I transferred and scribed it in for its last use. Pieces will be used again for other areas, until it's finished and thrown away.

Last night, I had a breakthrough with how to save the house- the busted up foundation. The problem, other than the erosive effects of water, tree growth, and the pressure over time... there is no reinforcement in the structure. There is no form of rebar or anything to give it strength and integrity. It will take a lot of channels cut in to the existing, in strategic places, to get a solid bond and seal it up. Holes will have to be drilled everywhere to put in rebar and tie-ins. Then, after it's cured, it might be good to seal up all seams with epoxy or a byutle caulk. It won't be traditionally aesthetic but it will be as pretty as it can be- artwork, certainly.

If I come up with a cost-effective course of procedure, this technique I've invented could be a serious money-maker because there are a ton of rental properties that need it.

What I have come up with, to improve the properties/communities, has to do with the trades enforcing acceptable practices- with the help of building/housing regulations. That takes my campaign to the city- the building inspectors etc... This will cause a huge backlash if not presented properly. The capitalists are going to hate me but love me in the end.

3/13 5:26 PM

Several things have been mentioned that I have interest in- Ishi, Cher Ami, Audobon just to name a few things.

Feeling out of sorts today- pressured by the world since being back to work the last few weeks, and anxiety. It's the sense of doom and calamity, and the grabbing at straws feeling of trying to handle what tasks can be handled- all the while feeling there's more you can do or something else that just has to get handled. Like God's about to ask what you've been doing all day and, I want to make sure I have a good answer.

Julie's not feeling well, retired to the bed for the night while the pigeons coo in their protest of being confined to cages.

Mysteries of the Unknown continues playing on YouTube TV, talking about a mountain climber, while I cling to a cliff on my ascension.

The frame on my truck broke recently, noticing yesterday when I had to stop hard. The thing pulled to the left, as if only one brake was working or the right front tire was low.

There was a weld repair pointed out when I bought it, and the reason why I baby it. It's where the wheel assembly bolts, and the suspension meets.

Hopefully the mechanic can fix it, and fix the motor since it began acting up on the way to the shop! The motor acted like it was choking on the fuel from moisture, as if it was going to stall but I teased the pedal and got it moving.

Then, when I got to the shop, the motor started running funny- as if I had turned it off and it was running on and knocking. Judas priest, I hope it's not $500! Whatever.

Yesterday there was more work at the daycare bathroom addition. When I came home Juliue actually did some housework, and dishes... and laundry. If she wasn't in a good mood, I'd say she's been reading my journal entries.

The thought of that made me feel a bit of guilt about detailing things considered personal, to some extent but the intention is to paint a vivid picture through my words that I feel are worth writing.

The daycare job is a multi-trade situation, where we are doing everything at once, as we can chip away at it. The place wanted bathrooms put in for the children, requiring concrete to be removed in order to install the plumbing. The walls are now put up, and holes have been cut for the doorways in the existing walls but for the final sheeting inside the finished area. Wiring, outlets, switches, lights and exhaust fans have been roughed in. On-demand water heating is being installed, while drywall is going up where it can. Plumbing needs to be finished before the rest of the drywall and insulation goes back up. Lighting has to be finished so we can do anything more. It's a mess but it's not. It's a song and dance, where the solos run a little longer than fits the ego of the performer sometimes. Yes, a colorful way to complain about the kid doing the wiring.

(deep breath)

Saturday was the same job with plans to work the next day but things change when you're managing property so, I ended up doing a driveby just to check, after not hearing from Morris.

It's just that I understand he's busy so, when I don;t hear a response to my texts I consider that he;s not able to see his phone if he's tied up with people. And, maybe he's making noise with work. Things pop up, like a service call emergency or maybe he's cancelled work.

Since I live ten minutes away, I cruise by there to see if maybe I just missed the memo about what time we were starting.

Yep, he's there but maybe he's avoiding me and didn;t want me to work or maybe he didn't need me. All of these considerations bombard my mind all day long with everything. Maybe I'm too sensitive or maybe I'm in tune.

Today, he asked me how much it cost him for sandwiches the other day. Answering 38, after a sound grab at the number from a rested state of mind, I was exact.

My steak is probably ruined. I've got to go look. 5:57

8:07 Steak turned out chewy. The heat was running around 170 degrees instead of 140, and I put the water bowl in when I should have not used it at all since it wasn't a long session. Whatever, dinner is done and over with. My repair job worked but I need to put some metal sealer to gain more control of the air flow.

Spent a few minutes during a commercial to cut stakes up for the aviary. The batteries don't last long under stress, and overheat to the point where the charger is indicating the fact. Hopefully I didn't ruin the batteries. If I had confidence in the tools, I would buy the big batteries but they are another hundred dollars.

It is my speculation that I won't get the truck back until after 3 tomorrow, and I'll just end up working a couple hours here but possibly assist Morris with something or other.

My current debate is whether or not to make an omelette for another meal or eat leftover pot roast. My calorie rate is 3 to four times my intake, and I'm having trouble with my belt that indicates weight loss.

Today, Fitbit awarded me my London Underground badge for 250 miles in the few short weeks I have had it. My heart rate hit 152 during sex the other night. It's not a surprise to me since Julie doesn't do anything to help much.

As for returning to work after being retired on disability, I'm doing pretty good with all of it, especially being reunited with part of my identity. The problem is, my back, knees, neck, and the stress. It's all very disorienting to where I can't find myself- my balance and peace. My mind is full-time at work, while my body is worn out from performing at max capacity. When I try to "not work," I find myself basically running from the gunfire of the world that destroyed my serenity when I decided to venture out into it's problems, once again- the nightmare situations that no one else will do, the lack of money offered to do it right, the demands, the complaints and drama, the pace needed to make the deadline, the negligence that caused it all...