It's Over!

 8:11 PM Tuesday, February 7th, 2023

Sheldon is having lunch with a beautiful blond woman, stirring lots of jealousy about the group.

Riley is taking a break from the game. Hopefully it's not because he's hiking his leg by the toilet.

My girl has to have me look at a small boil on her uppermost part of her inner thigh that's causing her a lot of pain. It looks and feels like a pea under her skin, a small head and very hard. Nothing can be done but wait for time to pass and see. 

The day was good, with an omelette for lunch while the pigeons shared space and time with me.

With routine chores out of the way, working outside was my goal. The warm front made it nice to work on the pigeon loft so, I geared up to get started.

It didn't take long to wrap up the bike, consolidating and shuffling stored resources in a corner to open up the area to work in. 

Having recently bought a used table saw and chop saw, I felt like I was back to work in the trades again. Losing everything in the fire, I knew I was working with scraps which would make it three times the work but it didn't matter. 

The wall went up easy enough, only needing a circular saw and a screw gun but when I began to get the table saw set up, I remembered popping breakers all of the time. It was just a flash memory- a vision.

Having no fence, I clamped a board to the table for 2 x 2 rips. The saw blade was sharp enough but the board wanted to bend as it cut through, pinching the blade. The saw came to a stop. Yes, the breaker so, I went down to the panel and reset it. 

Two more times, the breaker tripped even though I fed the saw slowly. It was then that I realized that I needed to shut off the heater in the pen, on the same circuit.

With only sixteen feet of material ripped, I focused on getting a nesting box framed in, that would tie the wall together. 

Setting up the tools along the way, the project was set into motion pretty well despite my feelings that I could build it a little bigger. Apprehension took away a bit of time but my worry was no longer over whether I ruined the eggs the frillbacks are setting on. All I can do is learn from it. Learning and pain often go together.

My whole day was interrupted to start with, by letting my guard down again. Yeah, I opened facebook and answered a dm. This person was offering money for posting ads to marketplace.

Always in need of money, I responded to them, asking what it entailed. They wanted me to post an ad for a rental property. 

There were questions in my mind but I went ahead and agreed, mostly to experience what is going on with marketplace scams. It felt like I could make an expose about it.

Well, after I posted the ad, people started messaging me about it. The number on the ad was not allowed to be seen- it was hidden. And then, I was told that the number was no good because they lost the phone two days ago. 

She gave me a different number, which I passed out.

The person gave me another ad to post, after I had sent her a message saying that she needed to forward me some consideration to prove her integrity, as well as give me the security I needed to continue.

People kept messaging me, around 60, until I decided to delete the ad and block the person.

My spirit was telling me that she was merely gleaning people of the fifty dollar application fee, and that there was no house for rent at all. And, that she was enticing others to help her work more virally, in effect.

She soon texted my cell phone, asking why I blocked her. 

She seemed to scoff a bit when I mentioned my spirit but seemed a bit won over after a short explanation, and my youtube video The Pebble. Hopefully, she doesn't waste anymore of my time than I have already allowed her.

It only reminded me how special my own garden of life is, and to stay hidden from the world, within it. 9:04

8:14 PM Feb 8

The day was good, with no problems but accepting a one inch per five second rip rate. 

The new loft is close to being done, inside the garage. More materials are needed to finish making the door and nesting boxes. Another two hours to completion.

The frame is fastened to the exterior for the coop. 

Showing Julie the progress, when she came home, I had to digest her input about the aviary I planned to build. She doesn't want me to do it like I want. She wants the netting to only cover a portion- from the garage to the house, behind the door which only leaves an area 18 feetlong that tapers to about 6 feet wide.

I suppose that's enough to work with... until she understands. Baby steps, I guess.

There's a digital clock in the bathroom, laying facedown for, oh I don;t know how long. While sprucing up the area around the toilet, I picked it up to see it wasn't working- never checking the plug because I didn't feel like it was needed in there anyway. Laying it back on it's face, I left it alone because it's not mine.

Well, after changing her clothes after work, Julie comes out of the bathroom with the clock.

"This clock doesn't work anymore," she said- throwing it in the trash can...

Observing her while listening, she walks away. And that was that.

After I put it in the recycling bin, I never mentioned it again. 

Leftover fried chicken and mashed potatoes was easy enough for dinner but I half-heartedly joked about whether I should share any with Riley. With the pigeons watching me eat bird meat, I felt a small amount of guilt. Julie and I joked about it, and Riley, making the association.

Regardless, my heart rate peaked at 123 bpm tonight. Now, "Mom" plays on the television, Julie is reading articles on her iPad, Riley is resting, and I am alone with my concerns. 

The ship, the garden, the pigeons, Riley and Rocky. Life has been far worse. These days, I am grateful for the gifts within the problems that are mine. 8:47

8:43 PM February 9th

The Lost Boys caught my attention, while Julie sleeps after a long day. They were at the train scene, where they hung from the train tressle, dropping off into a foggy ravine.

My pigeons are sleeping, while winds are blowing hard outside. 

It rained most of the day, finally stopping just before two. That's when I decided to go get more supplies to finish the loft project.

The Salvation Army didn't have anything so, while in that area, I stopped in at Family Farm and Home which only had birdseed that I needed. 

Menard's was where I should have gone, and been done with it but I needed to see the options for future reference. 

The flea market store is always a great place for materials. Needing hinges and a stepladder, I scored those things for thirteen dollars. That made the total money spent about ninety bucks.

If it doesn't rain tomorrow, all I should have left to do is to put up the netting over the yard. 8:57

10:20 PM 2/11

Riley growls a low growl and a huff, pleading for me to throw the toy instead of laying down in the darkness. 

Getting up to pee, I uttered to him that he needed to take a lesson from the birds going to bed when it gets dark. 

Sitting down, I recalled last night: getting up to get a chicken leg from the fridge to snack on, and going into the bathroom to eat it. Dropping the foil into the bathroom trash, I knew Riley would get it and make a mess. I sat on the toilet and ate my snack. As I gummed the cold chicken from the bone, I realized that I was hiding from the dog. He'd jump up on the bed, with his wanting, only to disturb Julie from her sleep. And, it's a greasy leg with seasonings and things that would crumble off onto the bed. Not to mention, there's only a few bites- hardly anything to share.

Feeling like a parent eating candy in secret, away from the kids, I couldn't help but feel guilty. 

And then I was a bit disappointed with Riley. For one thing, he didn't notice, with that amazing dog nose of his. 

Chipping away at my pigeon loft project, the garage portion is ready for birds but for a few odds and ends. And, the reception cage for the outside of it is ready to be assembled. The top is assembled and covered with chicken wire, and the bottom has mesh. The sides are ready for wire, leaving the two front panels and door to be fabricated. Depending on the weather, and how much money I have left, it is quite possible to have the entire aviary finished tomorrow. When the birds go out there is another story.

Speaking of other stories, this marijuana thing is more of an issue as time goes on. I better think about how to explain it diplomatically before I get into it but it's a huge problem now, for a variety of serious reasons. 10:42

9:40 PM 2/12 Sunday

Laying up in a hotel room bed, Riley lays against my legs as if they're his pillow. Julie snores gently, after a day of fasting and cleansing for a colonoscopy at 6 AM. Ancient Aliens is on television, pertaining to some of my studies. One show, in particular, mentioned Pythagorus, music, frequency, and vibrations related to my mind control conspiracy studies. It was especially interesting and supportive.

Getting things done around the house was a bit of a challenge. Accepting that I had to do it alone, I made a list- the last thing I put on it was, "touch penis, as needed," a pregnant joke of my own... And something I shared in fun with her, as a way to relieve myself of some tension.

After Julie made soup, without reading the instructions, my tasks began with cleaning my piano bench coffee table and starting the dishwater for the kitchen cleaning.

The whole idea is, you're leaving for two days, and coming home to a trashed house is not welcoming or emotionally healthy. That's something I learned as a kid. My parents were both farmers and military- and very, very strict.

Max is the first to come upstairs, in the morning. It's great to have his company. He does the night shift, sitting on the eggs. He watches me clean the house. I make it a point to play certain music for them when I can, especially relaxing music. There's one that has the sounds of nature- birds singing along with some light piano etc... I feel like it contributes to their emotional well-being. It's definately good for mine.

After Julie helped me, by moving the laundry basket twelve feet closer to the stairs, I took it down to start the cycles and tend the pigeons.

Rerouting power cords, I set up a timer for the light system and cleaned up a bit. All of the food and water containers were washed and filled. 

Julie needed something in her belly so, I took the Harley to the store for jello. A little cold in the wind but a great ride under a clear blue sky.

When I got back, I picked up all of the coffee filters that I had thrown in the yard. The compost value is merely principles, and a demonstration that it's criminal to deprive the soil by contributing to landfills. I don't want any part of what I clearly see is wrong. Even though it may mean nothing, it makes me feel like I am trying to do what is best in the eyes of the creator- of mother nature, the greater consciousness of all things.

Yes, "there is a doorway..." It's in our minds. 10:06

Monday 2/13 8:42 AM I think, in order to write words worth reading, the disgust of the world needs to be caged. We have the key to the gate of God. Perspectives and understandings are like fruit on branches too high but small minded people only envy and hate while only picking the fruit that is easiest to get. Consideration is a huge piece when traveling the paths to find what we become to learn is peace. Like considering the animals that are small- leaving those fruits for them to have- providing back to what provides to us. Everything is inside of us- like a computer or tool that you study to learn how to use. It's all in there but we rush to buy the latest version without having learned to use the tools we had to start with. 

Free will is within the heart, where we make the choice to obtain it. And, while we learn what we did not know, we realize how much we do not know- if we wonder by wandering the vast halls within our mind. The mind is the very universe- just as we are trying to understand the details of our solar system and space but those wonders are only a distraction from becoming more in tune with ourselves and surroundings... To care. And, when you achieve that higher plane above the masses, you wish they could all understand- that they all could be winners. These are the most cherished secrets of life- and the funniest part is- they are not secrets at all. Blinded by ourselves, we cannot see the magical gift that is right there in front of us in all that we see. Discernment. 8:56

8:39 PM

Pulling up to the hospital, the doors opened as Julie walked out with one of the nurses. They exchanged a hug, smiling and joyful. She told me about the results of finding a couple polyps that will be tested. Hopefully everything is okay. The doctor wanted me to get one,mentioning it almost two years ago but after recent appointments and calls, I've yet to have it done. Joking with Julie, I said we should do it together for Valentine's Day double date getting our butts fondled. She was so upset about the inconvenience, all I could do was try and lighten her mood without it becoming negative energy between us. Besides, making myself laugh about it helps keep me from becoming agitated over the little things- like depending on her navigation assistance. Her and that damn Scorpion show drove me nuts, all the way there and back. I have things to talk about.

Yes, like the pot thing. They finally made headway on legislation regarding the thco, synthetic delta 8. One of the things that I want looked into is, Neem oil production and sales over the last 50 years especially since the legality issues have developed. My suspicion is about the impacts it is having on pollinators- honey bees mostly.

As for society, there should be access but not without ethics like discretion. Now that it's largely legal, people tend to flaunt it everywhere with their variety of attitudes. No one is respecting it or cherishing it for what it is. 

A mother of two, dependent upon someone else to help pay their bills, shouldn;t be making it part of her budget needs. Asking for pot, and never paying for it when I provide it, without a thank you? No offer of money at all but if I say no, she buys it elsewhere or from the dispensary, where the expense only gets passed down to her mother in the form of a bill that she couldn't pay? I have no choice but to give it to her to avoid her mother incurring the debt. To me, it's the least of evils only I end up paying for it because it costs me far less than it would her. The whole thing is stupid but it makes sense to me. Yet, this stupid thing is a serious issue that a whole society of children are having to adapt to- the latest gold rush at the expense of the family foundation. And the thing is, if you don't grow it, you're out of your mind. 

Quite frankly, I'm sick of pot all together. The gluttons are giving it a bad name, and I can't find any enjoyment in it any longer. It's more torture than anything, trying to smoke it without choking my lungs out. My lungs are tired from the construction industry, and all the smoking and drinking I've done, while trying to numb the pain.

My sobriety is a treasure that keeps gifting things to me, and I can only imagine being happier. The thought of the pigeons makes me happy, even more than the Harley in the garage. And even though I can see the tears coming from joy and pain in the future, they are as dear as children to me. Tears can;t be shed over the loss of something you never had, which is why the piece of life that you do have means so much. With my pigeons- my animals, my girl and the songs in my heart... I have more than the world. 9:11

2/14 Valentine's day was good. There was a nice looking three pack of New York Strips at Walmart yesterday so, I bought them to make on the smoker. Of course, I got a bouquet of flowers for Julie. I picked the ones with the most flowers that hadn't yet bloomed.

Since it was Valentine's Day, I sat down and made the Valentine's Day Messages Show featuring important topics, and a cool improv jam.

It was a nice lazy day around the house with the pigeons spending time with us. 

The company, that we rent our house from, from sent a contractor to come look at the repairs that need to be done. We will finally be getting power out to the garage, and an opener system. 

2/15 7:32 PM 

It's been a long day, having set the alarm the night before for 6:30. Typically, I get up around 7:30-8:00 but today I was lending a hand with a couple furnace duct issues that involved crawl spaces. At one point, fighting off anxiety, I had to give myself a pep-talk.

"Andy Dufrane," I said to myself.

At least I wasn't crawling in sewage. The fiberglass dust was heavy in the air, which I filtered by wearing a bandana for a dust mask. I'm still torn between whether it was worse than doing another roof or not. 

Every time I do a roof, I swear I'll never do another one again. 

It feels like I have been fighting all day.

2/16 10:18

The toss and turn, and constant thoughts, went on all night. The alarm finally started chiming at 6:30 but I went back to resting. 

Julie got up and began her routine. 

Awakened once more, I contemplated taking my erection out to the living room for a wake up jab but my muscles ached everywhere. And since she fell down the stairs yesterday, it wasn't likely that she'd do the work so, I closed my eyes again.

You know you're hurting if you too sore for sex or riding your Harley on such a beautiful day as it was yesterday.

The relief I was feeling over being finished with some nightmare tasks masked my soreness. Thoughts of freshening up and taking Julie out to a biker bar for a beer went through my head. Imagining they didn't serve NA beer, it was merely a fleeting thought. And, when I got home she filled me in on falling down some stairs. 

To my surprise, she made me coffee. That's twice in a week, and three times in the (going on) five years we've been together.

She had gone to T-Mobile for the new wifi access trial period. Switching from Buckeye saves us well over $100 so, it's installed now. Next, I have to do a show to see how the performance is. 10:33

2/17 12:45 PM

Rocky is watching a nature show with Riley and I. It's about the desserts and the variety of life in them, their struggles surviving drought caused by humans. Lizards were a focus, and I swear Rocky was watching intently.

Today, I am very sore but tomorrow I'll be ready for another assignment.

Shovels were supposed to have been dropped off but I think they were placed at another location because I cannot find them. It rained all day yesterday, and snow falls today. 

My pigeons are all doing their thing, while waiting for me to finish the aviary. In a few more days, we'll see if the eggs hatch. God, I hope so.

Julie is visiting her daughter, being set up to take over payments on a land contract deal, I'm sure. There's no way that I can see it working out. First of all, no one has any credit. And, I'm not buying it for her. Not when she can't fall in line in any way. All I see is a child waiting for her mother to die so she can get the money but my conscious honesty is only poisonous to those who cannot listen to reason. Using witchcraft to pay your way at the circus is a delusional fantasy.   12:54

1:11 This set of worries is exactly why I grieve so often over not having an income to bank. The bottom will drop out in some way, only my cash reserves and assets give me comfort in that probability. I see a motorhome parked at the farm property, amid the disaster I'll inherit to handle. That reality will be the real test of my sobriety.

Coming up, on the 23rd, it will be two years of sobriety. It is the day I left the detox until at Diley Ridge Medical.

2/19 11:50 AM

Listening to The House Church on Facebook. Loren always sends me an invite, always a great message.

Pigeons are all good, and I'm fairly certain there's an egg hatched because yesterday I noticed Max searching for nesting materials. I went outside and gathered up some twigs and last year's grass reeds from a plant growing next door.

After cutting them up a bit, I showed them to him while laying them on the floor in the pen. He went right to it and began selecting.

When I checked later, they had much of the stuff in the nest- along with a piece of wire from unrolling the chicken wire. Not wanting any disruption, I left it alone without removing it. To me, I feel like Max is excited about the hatchling maybe. I don't know.

The loft and cage are completely assembled and ready for the pigeons but for some trim to cover the edges of the chicken wire that will also further fasten it to the frame. Having stapled it on, the staples will not be sufficient to keep it intact from predators.

Last night, we went to the casino to see the KISS Tribute band. The place was packed before we got there, having waited for a while just to get off of the road and into the driveway. There were huge lines at all of the beer serving stations, and more people than we had ever seen there before.

Julie got in line for a beer, while I went and sat down at a machine. Forty dollars got me started, cashing out with $119.  

Separated, she went to smoke, finding the smoking section of the gaming area. After plugging in thirty bucks, she cashed out with fifty.

We found each other, as I was leaving that smoking area where I lost nineteen dollars. 

Julie ended up not feeling well so, she dropped her beer in the trashcan and we walked toward the exit.

She decided to just go sit in the car and wait for me, while I returned to the machine I was playing first.

Well, someone was sitting there so, I used the one next to it. Quickly I lost all of the money, and then put forty more in which left me broke. 

Eighty dollars was what I had to play with when I started. You always win what you're going to win in the first fifteen minutes. I was $70 richer but didn't listen to reality and ended up losing what I had, AND Julie's money- a total of $110. And, here I am trying to save that every month on wifi.

It always makes me ill when I go to the casino. 12:11

Julie was a little upset that I lost her money too so, in order to make it seem less I added that I didn't use her bank card when I bought tobacco the other day. She had sent me for cigarettes with her card, when I was going for tobacco for myself. 

The score was even when we went to bed but in a while I'd get hungry for a sandwich...

After laying there, listening to music tracks I made, I got up to make a sandwich. Sneaking from the bed, just before midnight, I went to the kitchen. Turkey, cojack, mayo from the fridge, I searched but quickly realized we are out of bread.

There's four slices of something in a bag on the counter that has been there for days. It's gluten free, and I'm thinking it's her so, I never eat it. It's the only bread so, I grab two extremely dry pieces. My hope is that the mayo will help a lot so, I slather up both sides with it. Three slices of turkey, and a slice of cheese- off to bed with my sandwich.

Taking a bite, it's dried out but not moldy. It feels like it's covered in sand as I chew it, and then I notice the same sandy feeling on my fingers as I hold it. I choke down three bites, and Riley comes snooping so, I tear off a piece for him. 

I ended up discarding what was left of the bread when it got down to the last bite. It wasn't good enough for Riley, I thought so, I dropped it in my trashcan on my side of the bed.

Now, I'm out of water- going to the kitchen for more. 

Searching for more snacks, I open the cupboard above the counter... There's a brand new loaf of bread, hotdog buns, and hamburger buns right there in the cupboard. 

I never put bread in the cupboard, where it's unseen and forgotten. If it doesn't get put on the counter, by the toaster, it gets put in the fridge or freezer. I was so mad... especially after I realized where the bread came from that I had eaten. That bread was over a month old. No wonder it felt sandy- it was turning to dirt.

Yeah, Julie got a good laugh out of that story this morning. She laughed, and laughed. I didn't get into it with her about the situation but she made a comment about knowing how she feels about not being able to find anything. 

The difference is, I have always been putting things where they are. She still hasn't studied her surroundings. Last night, it was her black shoes that she couldn't find. It was hard but I resisted the urge to find them for her. 12:40

2/28 9:25 PM

Worked today. Back hurts bad. Came home, did dishes and cleaned the house. Put wash in the drier and tended my pigeons. Lots of things to write about but lots of those things have been lost but for what I might recall. Things like the realization that I might not be able to keep a job because the things at home are mine alone- Riley mostly but all of the chores. Mail still sits in a pile on the table, growing until I force Julie to tend to its importance. She only had a bowl of cereal for dinner, leaving the bowl on the counter where there was room. I need to think things out carefully. It seems that I am the single parent in life. I need to keep my job to build up a cash reserve for disaster regardless. Soon, I will be in the emergency room with my back. Then I will get my flexiril back and maybe file grievance with my doctor for taking it away. The things that I need written will have to be kept to myself for the time being due to the repercussions of misinterpretation and misunderstanding.

Julie was approved for a loan, asking me if I could build a house. After fighting with myself, I decided that I could, and would be willing to do it, knowing full well that not one person is going to help me besides putting in their requests for paint and flooring. I must be out of my mind, considering it's for a person who thinks she's using witchcraft to make her life happen. And, the fact that she would just as soon see me drop dead.

Sunday, we went to see the grandchildren in West Unity. Other than the christmas tree and decorations still being up, and the house a pigstye, mom's meds were all in Peyton's room with two boys. 

I finally asked why they were in there, of the boy's mother. She, of course, couldn't come up with an answer nor did she think it odd. 

Later, I would realize that these were the same boys that were at my house before the fire. Their father, Josh< was there "helping" me. A bunch of wax came up missing which he blamed one of the boys for.

I told Julie that every device in the house should be confiscated and gone through to see who was looking up medications. 

It became apparent that I was the only parent in the situation because Julie was not cooperative at questioning Jenny about the meds.

All I can see is a train wreck about to happen, especially when Jenny has Julie conned into taking out an $85,000 loan to buy a house for her to live in.

And we still have to pay for her attorney to get her kids back.

For the entire time we have been together, Jen has had control of mom in order to pay for her own place. In all that time she needed money for bills but never did a thing to get approved to be paid by the insurance for it. 

She qualifies for social security disability but refuses to tend to filing. She wants everyone to do everything for her. After all, she is the queen of everything.

Two weeks ago she got a part time job at a fastfood joint.

Having access, and knowing the truth of the reality, I have never analyzed the banking to know the exact details. My chief goal is to stay sober and avoid unnecessary conflict which is why I don't verbalize my protest of Julie being on her devices 24/7. The only thing I can do is prepare for what is probable. That means at least five grand stashed.

The only denial I have is denying I am at the end of my wits. I'll edit later and add details reflecting in future entries. I am exhausted. 9:57