Yes, I am the strange man that lives on the hill. Alone, in my study, I find many thrills. Inventing, and dreaming- learning as much as I may. Useful tools for the future, like music fanning hope from the smallest sun ray. Thinkers are strange, think back to the dated- Yes, odd-balls! They were robbed and hated.
Well, I let the bet ride to see what cards come up next. Yes, I should have insisted on changing the bedding etc...!!! NO! That is the very point of it. I sucked it up and watched silently from my distant bleacher row.
Gathering up my things I retreated to the living room where I wrote some snappy quips in comments on the random scroll. Kind of like a slot machine, where you might find a life/get a life in the next post, only to find more sand for sale at the beach. Maybe I played a song and did a live, I cannot recall at this moment but what I did do was return to the bedroom where I said nothing but sat into the bed to assume my spot. After my gal fell asleep, I went back downstairs to be further abandoned in my abandon. Tomorrow I get to clean the bedroom, and continue moving my office to the third level of the house because of the leak in the basement that is damaging all of my valuables and files. No, I don't have renters insurance as mentioned multiple times in the past few years and months. We just lost a home and the contents, including two dogs, to a fire where we had no insurance. Several times, I wondered about getting renters insurance back then before it happened. I knew it was going to happen, mentioning it and pleading with people on multiple occasions.
So here I lay on the couch, and it's almost 3:30 am. Riley is sleeping, curled up on the floor next to me. And with all of the drama going on, it's the traumatic holidays again. Thanksgiving was always one of the worst. And, in the recent past relationships, I've been The Ruiner. That usually had something to do with my drinking. You can't keep quiet when you're drinking. The anxiety, I think, of all of my experience at holidays has given me a level of PTSD that is very intense to ride for me- or whatever it is that is overwhelming me right now. It's a feeling that results in a physical pain, and a set of emotions that really shouldn't be mixed together. A sense of impending doom, and you're dad's about to come home and see that there are suddenly a bunch of chores that weren't done that's a matter of life and death. Yeah, you ever have your ass beat for folding papers bags? Not for folding them, for making noise doing it. That sensation, much like a cop behind you, and you've got a beer in your lap? And you just bought a house on loan, speculating on a salary you haven't received yet. And you're rich uncle is in town with your inheritance for being an outstanding family member? It's life or death musical chairs, and the music stops... It's that very moment where you see that there are no chairs. The end is the only truth. And I don't accept that. I'm stubborn, I'll stop this bus the Next time I throw myself into it! Yes, the very illustration of insanity. Why couldn't I just like sports? Thank you, father. Rejecting sports was rejecting him- him and his strawberry jam, kit-kat, orange whip, caddy shack, if i could save time in a bottle and all that crap, always given my face the slap because his girl wasn't always his girl, in a egotists gotta have a virgin world, saying I do as a tool- it was a lie he told, to have his soup and salad, and never have it cold, scaring the smell out of the toes of a five year old, that never forgot the day they were born. Thinking they can like the little engine that could, searching thru the rubble offered trying to find the good but the only good I'm finding is the good in me, and it's breaking my heart to hear a world cry out with eyes to see, maybe some will read and hear my poetry, it's all I've got right now, with me you get much, much more than what you see...
10:36 am. It was ten last night when I wrote this. Waking up happened around 7 but I was so tired I turned right around from the bathroom and went back to sleep. It was after 4:30 when I laid down. Then not much more than an hour later, Riley comes to me and wakes me with a lick and nudge to my cheek. It has been his behavior to come and wake me around five- I've always understood it as talking to me to go potty. He is very subtle with his body language, mostly because he's so tiny. Tiny dog, tiny twinkle in his eyes to be seen and heard... so, I always pay as much attention as I can to his words.
The Fox news show is running in the background as an accepted aspect of focusing on the situation to complete the illustration. There were bags of groceries on the floor from yesterday, and now they are stacked where ever they can be. Too little space from the very beginning, the utensils and crap slowly built up.
11:05 am Just made a video about the house etc. 9:13 minutes long detailing the illustration of the situation. Now, I am going to resolve to gaining control of the ship- getting everything cleaned and in order. The goal is to tactfully navigate the tumultuous emotional currents in a very complicated existence in my reality. It is a reality I fear is a glimpse of the entire nation. I will continue this as I am able. 11:08 am 11/22/201
12:29 pm Setting down to throwing the squirrel, having coffee, sorting through batteries that have accumulated in places, while making myself "available" on the couch opposite the room from my gal, who is setting on the actual couch. My seat favored is the love seat, directly across the room center stage for the window facing the road/neighborhood. The television is now back on Friends, and they are discussing how they were going to react at his friend "doin" his sister. Julie chuckles at the final line, and a Jameson Whiskey ad plays. Liberty insurance, airwick, charmin, (did he behave outside? she asks, while I am asked "why not enjoy the go, with charmin?". And then the best of my love segues into fisher price, and new chapter welness products. The Shark vac-mop might help clean up after eating Popeyes but Harry Potter steps in to bring you back around to fantasy, as Friends comes back on- nonsense chatter about calling "grandfather" rolling into the suggestion for chinese food, and more dating/social nonsense drama.
"Listen, Joey's having a problem.... Little girls beating him up."
After my 11:05 log entry, I went right upstairs with a cup of coffee, dressed for my day- complete with my possible sack and weapon. As I dressed, the clothes began finding hangers and little folded piles to be stored. The goal was to create a basket for dirty clothes by putting away the clothes waiting in baskets and piles around the foot of the bed, gathering up the trash into one bag, picking up debris to vacuum, putting dirty silverware in pockets to be put in the kitchen, dusting areas, arranging beauty products, emptying and polishing ashtrays, putting shoes away, stripping the bedding to make one trip down the stairs with as much of the mission accomplished as efficiently as possible. Yes- to save time up. To create the time to partake in my folly, as some would criticize. To attend to my ship as a whole, while making up for the absence of Crew. That is how business gets done- time and waste management. Corporate knows. And, I am Corporate here. This is where the buck stops.
So, I take the laundry and trash down to the main floor, leaving the trash at the top of the stairs. I take my coffee cup from the basket, and place it on the dining room table on the way to load the washer. Beginning with the bedding is the right thing to do, finishing with whatever I concerned myself with pairing up with sheets the dog pissed on.
Gathering up my computer and an armful of prioritized items, two flights of stairs to the new appropriations, I hear Julie coming home from a trip she was forced to make into her job, on a Saturday, due to insubordination. All I am thinking about is getting through the day, having accomplished everything I can, without causing a disturbance to the home balance of emotional well-being or what seems to be well in society's households today- from what I have witnessed in America.
Instantly, selfishness I guess... My mind is thinking, "hmm? maybe a little daytime sex well be helpful. I wonder what she'd say if I say that it's time for a motivational fucking?"
So here, I sit sorting out batteries, enjoying another cup of coffee and the seeming serenity of my reality... The calm before the storm. Yeah, three tide cycles brought her about, with a very nice finish for myself. My coffee was about piss warm when I put my pants back on.
Enough sharing of my intimacies...for now. It is now 12:56 pm. That's why I am the Captain. The street is one word away, and I wrote a book about what you will find when you have nothing. Onward, into another challenge... Without a crew mutiny in mere indecision. Decision is important when choosing your crew. And, when you try "saving" any situation from the foreseeable, there is no profit. There is only gratification to be found and cherished. 1:00pm
Having just tipped the pan on an angle, now (dog barks for me to throw his squirrel he placed at my feet- it's play time because I sat down), in order to drain the fat; the prep is done for burger to not spoil. We'll have spaghetti tonight, using the rest for whatever. There was about four pounds. Yesterday, I put one in the freezer, separated in two chunks. Thanks, disposable plastic zip-lock style freezer bags (that I typically will wash out and reuse)...
My momentum of pushing for order has spurred Julie to respond and assist with some of the laundry details left. Shortly after 1, she did ask me if there was anything to do to help me. I made no particular mention. Embellishing on my need for help by simply continuing while remarking that I was manufacturing time with my effort of mutli-tasking everything, as I usually do.
Now I'm ready to move shelving, desks, and miscellaneous office stuffs to the new room of operations. That is the point where I admitted to myself that I needed nourishing, resolving to work in the kitchen.
The food is put away now, and the sink-water for dishes and wiping down- eating as I work. Three day old chicken and peppers for tacos was good enough. Although, the chicken was already several days old when I processed it for other things. Two tacos, and a handful of potato chips was all I had. Time for a sit down, to regroup and reload for the next round of attack. Julie is back at the game, and watching T.V. Something about Hobbits- The Desolation of Smaug. It's now 2:53, and I have to poop suddenly. I only just now am getting the taste of taco out of my mouth! Yes, I am starving a bit but I believe the fasting has given me insight and vision.
5:45 sat down to eat spaghetti- one bowl, half eaten so far, and piece of greasy garlic bread. Vegging for a few. Moved the entire office upstairs, minus the desk and saw horse table. Journey to the center of the earth is on. They are just now popping out of the gieser, in a dinosaur skull.
6:45 pm Journey 2 is now on. The Rock is in it. They just met up with the Grandfather. Random thoughts during the commercials- Julie is playing the game again. I told her I needed to haul the shelving units upstairs but she needed more prodding than I felt like giving especially in light of a possible emotional drama. She was entranced in the television show when I bumbled thru with the first six foot X 3 foot cabinet- never had a clue. She caught me with the second one, as I came out of the basement, on her way to the kitchen where she was boiling the spaghetti.
7:02 I just imagined a raft made from human bodies. Stuff the orifices with mud or clay, bind bodies together with vines, preferably in the water. They will ferment in the sun, swelling with gases to provide buoyancy.
Now they're flying on bumble bees, and I'm thinking about the drama with my neighbors. Truth is, if men were men, they could easily voice disapproval to allow others the chance to correct themselves accordingly. And that opens up the can of worms on one of the reasons I am having anxiety- friends in question. Like a friend selling dope to an addict whom is his son-in-law, in a failing relationship with his own daughter and two children- living with them since losing their apartment, for instance. Yes. And, the dope he wants to keep selling was cut off over two months ago because he owes her 1200 bucks- coaxing me slowly to get some for "us" here and there until the day when he would just start going through me. I explained what was about to happen to Julie over two months ago, and now its what's happening. Only I, finally, told him to get it himself. The woman said to, "get his bitch ass over here". She's pissed, and it was just a matter of time before I took a hit on the street for representing his debt! I'm just sick over the whole thing especially after coming to him with the weed, and to explain how she was beat up etc... He could care less. And when I told her that he said him and his buddy have her back, she laughed like a fool. What a joke- investing time and effort into a friendship, only to find out it is exactly what it looked like it was from the beginning. My book is a horror of story after story of my trusting people and giving them a chance. It hurts me to have to conceal the truth of it from him because he is NOT about to accept constructive criticism from me. And, it's just another bad investment. He wouldn't even help me get mom in the car to take her to the hospital! He said to call the squad. Always with the policing of me, and imposing himself like I am a child under his wing. Talking about the "R word" Fact is, respect is a gift that is easily lost. And, he resembles my bitch about men in far too many ways. My instincts were right. 7:31
Now it's 9:02, and I see Loren is online. She's in a hard way right now, and I am all blown up here to produce a good effort to offer myself as support. She needs money bad, as everyone does.
The bed never got remade, forgetting to rotate the laundry i started when I first went down there. The house is somewhat in order now but for putting the new office together, and cleaning the floors. The office equipment need to be re-setup and tested for use. Papers need to be combed through for notes and file details. Tons of details... And no disturbance from the neighbors today was convenient. Now I debate on going downstairs for a bit to write or give in and go to sleep after taking Riley, the dog, out to potty. Riley, the Harley, is in the garage which reminds me to ask Julie about the service package and if its time for service checks. Not that I can't, it's just that we paid for it as part of the purchase deal- their idea.
Escaping The Despondent Sea is available on Amazon Kindle Unlimited, and is receiving 5 star reviews on Goodreads.com
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