There is, sometimes, so much that one has to say that, in order to get people to listen, they must start by being silent. When the audience becomes silenced by the absence of a speech it might then be possible to get through with a message that isn't lost in a lack of recognition that, what has to be said... needs to be heard.
I have begged you to put your toys and distractions aside in order to hear my instructions. Just as you expect me to honor your disliking of certain foods and ingredients, I expect you to honor my cries for your cooperation. No matter if it's clunking your feet together before pulling them inside of the vehicle, in order to help minimize the soil being brought inside, so as to keep our vehicle clean. Or to not use so much milk in your cereal bowl if you are just going to leave it on the counter for me to have to dump it down the sink. Let alone that you don't consider rinsing the bowl out so the residual milk doesn't dry in the bowl, which is very difficult to wash out, which I have repeatedly asked for eight years.
Or just to recognize that I have worked hard to clean the office but you leave your dirty dish ware next to the computer, where it shouldn't be at all- an act that I see now is deliberate. The deliberate mess you make of my work- lately doing every single thing that I have asked you not to do in order to be part of the family- in cooperation with managing our chores and home.
Your refusing to put the truck in the barn because you are too lazy to go out to it, which resulted in the ice build-up during the nights of winter- ice that you did not scrape off. Only carelessness, causing to break the window-washer wiper motor, and an incurred expense of one thousand dollars, and me going to jail over not being able to get to court because of it.
Or to not allow the kids to hole up in their rooms with video games and the internet- with their doors barracaded shut so that the dogs don't interrupt them. Only to have the dogs destroy everything that we own and rent- dogs that were asked for. Dogs that they were told to tend to while we are away. The damages, as well as, the color of their claws stain the door jambs and slabs at the floors on the latch side to tell the tale. You will not make them put the dogs tied on the lines even though the police have been at the house multiple times, and we've seen them chase deer. This makes ME look like the insubordinate trash when the authorities come knocking.
You smell the urine reeking up the house but you will not tell your twenty year old son about his bathroom hygiene- let alone that you should have to tell him AT ALL. Nor will you tell Siena to hang up her bath towels to dry instead of mold in the piles they are left in. Nor do you mention anything about the flagrant abuse of the laundry.
You spent $350 on the fence system to keep the dogs contained but you will not set it up or help me to do, on top of everything else, it too. You let Drew waste your father's blood money on the routers that were bought simply out of ignorance, only because he wants to continue playing video games on the internet, internet which is slow and cannot serve this purpose but he wastes day in and out doing absolutely nothing while the games continuously loads. Time he should be spending with his penis, working on how to hold on to it and aim it into the toilet, no matter how small it is. And then to abuse me, punish me, by insisting through your ignoring that it's a problem at all, that I have to clean up the bathroom to rid the house of the stench and filth. Or try to.
You are deliberately trying to hurt me. Why? Why don't you call my mother to come and get me, if I am so bad? Why don't you call CMH and tell them that you can't handle what I pay you for- have them come and take me out of the home, if I am so bad? Why continue to allow me to be around Siena, if I am so bad? Why complain to me about needing my social security check (when you make 60,000 a year) that you would like to also spend, if I am so bad? Why not make an effort to not waste our money on eating out, and on gas to drive around looking at houses that you are doing nothing to save any money to purchase- not to mention paying back your cousin, who may be the only person who can help us buy a house? Don't you really, only want my check so that you can continue eating out, going to the casino, and spending money on nothing needed- flagrantly being financially irresponsible because you work so hard and have it right to spend money on whatever you choose?
And that's not to mention that we could have published my books and gained the financial security that we all need and desire.
You are angry at me for cutting you off from the access of my 771 dollars a month. I can see clearly, now, as I list these things, that our relationship is over. You are destroying Siena's future with your selfishness. You have proven to me that love never existed between us. You lied to me and I bought it all because I wanted so desperately to be someone's husband, and to be a father, to be important to a family. You have destroyed a great relationship that she and I developed and shared. Now she has a huge problem in life- wanting a sex change so that she doesn't have to be responsible for her menstruation. And you are going to entertain that with the money that we suffered for four years over waiting for the situation to end. I was a good part added to her life.
Why on Earth would you take that from her, when you know fully well that she has no father other than me? How on earth do you think she came to win the $500 Gold Prize for the Eddie Essay contest? Who called her relatives and invited them to the awards banquet? How do you think she became to be invited to the Jonathan Rand Author Quest? Or to become to play multiple instruments? I am only thankful that I was able to have the privilege to share with her in life for the time that I had with her. I only hope that someday she will want to find me and hug me once more. And for me to be the parent that she said, "I Love You" to. I was that person, and I always will be that person. But it was more important to destroy that, which goes against every single bit of my principles for even existing- to be a Parent.
And now I must live with the fear, as well as the sadness, of knowing that the misery that is shared with this child will undermine all of my investments into her- rejecting everything about me because of the lack of guidance. I, myself, only recently started liking strawberry jam- my stepfather loved it.
And I loved you.
This will always hurt but only so sweetly.
I have begged you to put your toys and distractions aside in order to hear my instructions. Just as you expect me to honor your disliking of certain foods and ingredients, I expect you to honor my cries for your cooperation. No matter if it's clunking your feet together before pulling them inside of the vehicle, in order to help minimize the soil being brought inside, so as to keep our vehicle clean. Or to not use so much milk in your cereal bowl if you are just going to leave it on the counter for me to have to dump it down the sink. Let alone that you don't consider rinsing the bowl out so the residual milk doesn't dry in the bowl, which is very difficult to wash out, which I have repeatedly asked for eight years.
Or just to recognize that I have worked hard to clean the office but you leave your dirty dish ware next to the computer, where it shouldn't be at all- an act that I see now is deliberate. The deliberate mess you make of my work- lately doing every single thing that I have asked you not to do in order to be part of the family- in cooperation with managing our chores and home.
Your refusing to put the truck in the barn because you are too lazy to go out to it, which resulted in the ice build-up during the nights of winter- ice that you did not scrape off. Only carelessness, causing to break the window-washer wiper motor, and an incurred expense of one thousand dollars, and me going to jail over not being able to get to court because of it.
Or to not allow the kids to hole up in their rooms with video games and the internet- with their doors barracaded shut so that the dogs don't interrupt them. Only to have the dogs destroy everything that we own and rent- dogs that were asked for. Dogs that they were told to tend to while we are away. The damages, as well as, the color of their claws stain the door jambs and slabs at the floors on the latch side to tell the tale. You will not make them put the dogs tied on the lines even though the police have been at the house multiple times, and we've seen them chase deer. This makes ME look like the insubordinate trash when the authorities come knocking.
You smell the urine reeking up the house but you will not tell your twenty year old son about his bathroom hygiene- let alone that you should have to tell him AT ALL. Nor will you tell Siena to hang up her bath towels to dry instead of mold in the piles they are left in. Nor do you mention anything about the flagrant abuse of the laundry.
You spent $350 on the fence system to keep the dogs contained but you will not set it up or help me to do, on top of everything else, it too. You let Drew waste your father's blood money on the routers that were bought simply out of ignorance, only because he wants to continue playing video games on the internet, internet which is slow and cannot serve this purpose but he wastes day in and out doing absolutely nothing while the games continuously loads. Time he should be spending with his penis, working on how to hold on to it and aim it into the toilet, no matter how small it is. And then to abuse me, punish me, by insisting through your ignoring that it's a problem at all, that I have to clean up the bathroom to rid the house of the stench and filth. Or try to.
You are deliberately trying to hurt me. Why? Why don't you call my mother to come and get me, if I am so bad? Why don't you call CMH and tell them that you can't handle what I pay you for- have them come and take me out of the home, if I am so bad? Why continue to allow me to be around Siena, if I am so bad? Why complain to me about needing my social security check (when you make 60,000 a year) that you would like to also spend, if I am so bad? Why not make an effort to not waste our money on eating out, and on gas to drive around looking at houses that you are doing nothing to save any money to purchase- not to mention paying back your cousin, who may be the only person who can help us buy a house? Don't you really, only want my check so that you can continue eating out, going to the casino, and spending money on nothing needed- flagrantly being financially irresponsible because you work so hard and have it right to spend money on whatever you choose?
And that's not to mention that we could have published my books and gained the financial security that we all need and desire.
You are angry at me for cutting you off from the access of my 771 dollars a month. I can see clearly, now, as I list these things, that our relationship is over. You are destroying Siena's future with your selfishness. You have proven to me that love never existed between us. You lied to me and I bought it all because I wanted so desperately to be someone's husband, and to be a father, to be important to a family. You have destroyed a great relationship that she and I developed and shared. Now she has a huge problem in life- wanting a sex change so that she doesn't have to be responsible for her menstruation. And you are going to entertain that with the money that we suffered for four years over waiting for the situation to end. I was a good part added to her life.
Why on Earth would you take that from her, when you know fully well that she has no father other than me? How on earth do you think she came to win the $500 Gold Prize for the Eddie Essay contest? Who called her relatives and invited them to the awards banquet? How do you think she became to be invited to the Jonathan Rand Author Quest? Or to become to play multiple instruments? I am only thankful that I was able to have the privilege to share with her in life for the time that I had with her. I only hope that someday she will want to find me and hug me once more. And for me to be the parent that she said, "I Love You" to. I was that person, and I always will be that person. But it was more important to destroy that, which goes against every single bit of my principles for even existing- to be a Parent.
And now I must live with the fear, as well as the sadness, of knowing that the misery that is shared with this child will undermine all of my investments into her- rejecting everything about me because of the lack of guidance. I, myself, only recently started liking strawberry jam- my stepfather loved it.
And I loved you.
This will always hurt but only so sweetly.
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