I wrote this letter in a desperate plea to preserve my home and family back when I made "Life Is Passing By" on youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3so46rnOQu4
Siena is 13. Her mother will not "parent"- and her big idea is to just let her grow as she picks and chooses- and to place me in my own place so the Jen can have me as she picks and chooses. Gardens don't plant themselves. Nor does laundry or cooking and cleaning. I was a happy person giving to this family. I was not happy sacrificing my work and identity but I made those sacrifices in order to benefit this child. I only regret not maintaining my dreams as well.
Dear Siena,
With Life comes responsibility. You will never be happy in life if you don’t know how to take care of your things.
Victoria’s house is not the norm but you seem to have accepted the living standards of people whom we are not. You deserve to have a nice environment. You deserve better than what you are doing to yourself. That is why I said our house is no different than trailer park trash and I refuse to live that way. I said you were all trailer trash because that is where we are headed with our spending issues and I will not stand for it any longer. If you want me in your life- or anyone else that may benefit you in the least, then you need to conform to a standard of acceptable living. The lifestyle we have been living is making me want to drink and I do not want to drink at all. I WANT TO BE A HUSBAND and A FATHER MORE THAN ANYTHING IN LIFE. I am not your stepfather if mom and I are not married. She led me on that we had a family but refuses us to marry.
All I ever wanted was to belong to someone. All I ever wanted was to be important to my people. I dream of the times we can spend together. I dream of us going fishing, and you, catching a nicer fish than I do. I dream of you coming out to the barn, and hanging out with me, while I work on some impossible task. I fantasize religiously about the time we could spend together doing whatever we wanted to do. I dream of us picking berries together and making jelly and other things in the kitchen together. Things like Elephant ears and muffins and cookies.
I am sorry for hurting your feelings when I said you were trailer park trash but you have to believe how fed up and disgusted I am at where our family is going. I am scared to death for where I see us all going individually but you remain wholly clueless to my feelings and that hurts so badly. You have to understand what I am trying to do for you with my views on parenting. I think I did pretty darn good and you cannot deny me that. I showed you all the world I could and you grabbed it out of the air for your own- just as I hoped you would. I mean, you got to see a grasshopper poop! Do you know how lucky you are to have witnessed that?
Yesterday I deleted video footage of slaughtering Doodle. I recorded it to show you
But mom said maybe that wasn’t a good idea- so I didn’t ever show you the video. You won’t have the things you need to make yourself happy or attain anything in life. You have so many ideas about what you want to do but you bury yourself in the digital chaos and suffer from sleep deprivation and malnutrition. This is very serious. Look it up and you will be blown away about it. You need to know how to care for yourself. You deserve better than to sit among trash and disaster. You must learn to love yourself. Just because your mother and biological father are divorced has nothing to do with whether you are good enough. You were important and good enough for me to spend my every day of the past seven years exposing you to music, art, writing, nature, and everything else I shared with you. I made sure I taught you whatever I could. It breaks my heart completely that you choose to hide in your room on the computer. You are on your way to a very bad place in life. You must have a certain amount of structure and rules and expectations in order to be a well-balanced individual in the world. It’s a dangerous place and difficult to manage without the proper training and tools. THAT IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GIVE YOU SIENA. Just like you would expect me to try to put out the fire if our home was burning down.
You must recognize that we have had a lot of suffering. You must acknowledge that I have a direct connection with the spirit world. There is something else after life here as humans. You must believe me when I tell you that those that have died can hear and communicate. I know this as a fact. The promise of everlasting life through the professions of Jesus Christ is real and true. Honesty should allow you to see the reality in this:
We lost our flock because we couldn’t close the gate to the pen. We lost Pheonix because mom wouldn’t listen when Paul warned not to take the bird out with the dachshunds there. I still shed tears for the loss of Pheonix and all of the time I had with him training him and conditioning him. We had to get rid of Boston because we could not be responsible for his safety and well-being. We lost our truck when your mom tried to appease your demands for silence when she shifted to reverse and blew the engine. I gave away Ursa after I couldn’t handle the destruction and personal losses since no one would pay attention to her for the sake of their computer use. We lost Cherokee because we couldn’t be responsible enough to keep her safe and on the line- knowing she runs off to hunt animals.
I was overloaded a long time ago but I kept welcoming all the responsibility I could. I suffered a great deal of personal loss due to lack of family unification, support, attention, and involvement. Our home is destroyed because nobody wants to be responsible for the pets.
We can’t buy a house because we cannot control our spending. The only thing we save money for is the casino, dining out, and vacation. I do not go fishing. I do not go on my daily walk through the forest. I do not go out at night or any other time. I don’t play out or sing karaoke. I do not promote the library or band’s music anymore because mom doesn’t want me to. I do not write. I do not eat. I worry about your welfare, your schooling and your future. I worry about mom’s job, her health, her mom, her family and the money we have not paid back to our relatives. I do not write like I am supposed to and we are not doing anything with publishing my books. That’s the real gamble to bet on but your mom wont place a bet on a sure thing. She likes to lose. But she’ll send you to author quest, which happens to be because of my influence. She will bet on you and I suppose I should be grateful for that but I am scared of where we are headed- where we actually are.
I am very proud of you, that you donated your hair to locks of love. I am very proud that you got to play with the band after all of your hard work learning how to play the flute. I am extremely proud that you won the gold prize for the Eddie essay contest. It was me that called your grandma to tell her and have her at the awards ceremony. I was elated when you were in the play. I am very proud of you shooting the bow and arrow, and doing “country stuff”. You have been the main concern in my every day. I worry that you do not wash your face a couple times a day. I worry that you don’t brush your teeth a couple times a day. I worry that you can’t take care of your possessions enough to suit yourself. I worry that your future is tainted with addictive behavior. It’s killing me to watch our home fall apart. Mom cannot control her spending or saving. We are doomed without the proper assertiveness in our business of maintaining a family. You can’t just throw everything away when you clean up. You must deal with things as needed. I am embarrassed to have anyone over to our house because of the way everything is.
Dog feces and urine everywhere- that is unacceptable. The toilet is always filthy. The tub is always a wreck. Laundry is always in a heap behind the door and the towel is wet, wadded up and well on the way to molding which happens to be a respiratory problem that can kill you!
Mom threw a tantrum and shattered the shower door- it’s still broke and wrapped with plastic sheeting.
Mom has tuned out and refuses to tend to anything. She never answers the phone or deals with any of the things that need to be dealt with. I am losing my mind and shriveling away to nothing. If you really want to understand what has happened to us then you need to see a film- you need to watch a youtube video titled “The Spine”. It’s a short animate film that is life changing. IT WAS ON ANIMATE Channel 573 ShortsHD. That will explain a lot to you. Promise me you will watch that film. 70% of our household battle/problem is money management. 30% of our problems involve PARENTING. I cannot handle these things alone. Mom and I are not married so I am nothing to you legally. I volunteered to be your father and it made me so happy to have you as my own child. But now, because of all of our own selfish devices, we all pay the price. And mom is too proud to see any wrong in anything she does. I withstood all that I could and then some. I had given my whole life to you all- as imperfect as I know I AM THOUGH I ALWAYS TRIED TO BE SOMETHING BETTER. I want our family to be whole again. I want to be wishing all of our family members could feel the love that we shared, for them selves. It’s easier to do than you may think.
I miss you and I love you more than you will ever know. And I will always love you and your mother to death.
And Now I have Nothing At All Because I gave All Of Myself To You.
Siena is 13. Her mother will not "parent"- and her big idea is to just let her grow as she picks and chooses- and to place me in my own place so the Jen can have me as she picks and chooses. Gardens don't plant themselves. Nor does laundry or cooking and cleaning. I was a happy person giving to this family. I was not happy sacrificing my work and identity but I made those sacrifices in order to benefit this child. I only regret not maintaining my dreams as well.
Dear Siena,
With Life comes responsibility. You will never be happy in life if you don’t know how to take care of your things.
Victoria’s house is not the norm but you seem to have accepted the living standards of people whom we are not. You deserve to have a nice environment. You deserve better than what you are doing to yourself. That is why I said our house is no different than trailer park trash and I refuse to live that way. I said you were all trailer trash because that is where we are headed with our spending issues and I will not stand for it any longer. If you want me in your life- or anyone else that may benefit you in the least, then you need to conform to a standard of acceptable living. The lifestyle we have been living is making me want to drink and I do not want to drink at all. I WANT TO BE A HUSBAND and A FATHER MORE THAN ANYTHING IN LIFE. I am not your stepfather if mom and I are not married. She led me on that we had a family but refuses us to marry.
All I ever wanted was to belong to someone. All I ever wanted was to be important to my people. I dream of the times we can spend together. I dream of us going fishing, and you, catching a nicer fish than I do. I dream of you coming out to the barn, and hanging out with me, while I work on some impossible task. I fantasize religiously about the time we could spend together doing whatever we wanted to do. I dream of us picking berries together and making jelly and other things in the kitchen together. Things like Elephant ears and muffins and cookies.
I am sorry for hurting your feelings when I said you were trailer park trash but you have to believe how fed up and disgusted I am at where our family is going. I am scared to death for where I see us all going individually but you remain wholly clueless to my feelings and that hurts so badly. You have to understand what I am trying to do for you with my views on parenting. I think I did pretty darn good and you cannot deny me that. I showed you all the world I could and you grabbed it out of the air for your own- just as I hoped you would. I mean, you got to see a grasshopper poop! Do you know how lucky you are to have witnessed that?
Yesterday I deleted video footage of slaughtering Doodle. I recorded it to show you
But mom said maybe that wasn’t a good idea- so I didn’t ever show you the video. You won’t have the things you need to make yourself happy or attain anything in life. You have so many ideas about what you want to do but you bury yourself in the digital chaos and suffer from sleep deprivation and malnutrition. This is very serious. Look it up and you will be blown away about it. You need to know how to care for yourself. You deserve better than to sit among trash and disaster. You must learn to love yourself. Just because your mother and biological father are divorced has nothing to do with whether you are good enough. You were important and good enough for me to spend my every day of the past seven years exposing you to music, art, writing, nature, and everything else I shared with you. I made sure I taught you whatever I could. It breaks my heart completely that you choose to hide in your room on the computer. You are on your way to a very bad place in life. You must have a certain amount of structure and rules and expectations in order to be a well-balanced individual in the world. It’s a dangerous place and difficult to manage without the proper training and tools. THAT IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GIVE YOU SIENA. Just like you would expect me to try to put out the fire if our home was burning down.
You must recognize that we have had a lot of suffering. You must acknowledge that I have a direct connection with the spirit world. There is something else after life here as humans. You must believe me when I tell you that those that have died can hear and communicate. I know this as a fact. The promise of everlasting life through the professions of Jesus Christ is real and true. Honesty should allow you to see the reality in this:
We lost our flock because we couldn’t close the gate to the pen. We lost Pheonix because mom wouldn’t listen when Paul warned not to take the bird out with the dachshunds there. I still shed tears for the loss of Pheonix and all of the time I had with him training him and conditioning him. We had to get rid of Boston because we could not be responsible for his safety and well-being. We lost our truck when your mom tried to appease your demands for silence when she shifted to reverse and blew the engine. I gave away Ursa after I couldn’t handle the destruction and personal losses since no one would pay attention to her for the sake of their computer use. We lost Cherokee because we couldn’t be responsible enough to keep her safe and on the line- knowing she runs off to hunt animals.
I was overloaded a long time ago but I kept welcoming all the responsibility I could. I suffered a great deal of personal loss due to lack of family unification, support, attention, and involvement. Our home is destroyed because nobody wants to be responsible for the pets.
We can’t buy a house because we cannot control our spending. The only thing we save money for is the casino, dining out, and vacation. I do not go fishing. I do not go on my daily walk through the forest. I do not go out at night or any other time. I don’t play out or sing karaoke. I do not promote the library or band’s music anymore because mom doesn’t want me to. I do not write. I do not eat. I worry about your welfare, your schooling and your future. I worry about mom’s job, her health, her mom, her family and the money we have not paid back to our relatives. I do not write like I am supposed to and we are not doing anything with publishing my books. That’s the real gamble to bet on but your mom wont place a bet on a sure thing. She likes to lose. But she’ll send you to author quest, which happens to be because of my influence. She will bet on you and I suppose I should be grateful for that but I am scared of where we are headed- where we actually are.
I am very proud of you, that you donated your hair to locks of love. I am very proud that you got to play with the band after all of your hard work learning how to play the flute. I am extremely proud that you won the gold prize for the Eddie essay contest. It was me that called your grandma to tell her and have her at the awards ceremony. I was elated when you were in the play. I am very proud of you shooting the bow and arrow, and doing “country stuff”. You have been the main concern in my every day. I worry that you do not wash your face a couple times a day. I worry that you don’t brush your teeth a couple times a day. I worry that you can’t take care of your possessions enough to suit yourself. I worry that your future is tainted with addictive behavior. It’s killing me to watch our home fall apart. Mom cannot control her spending or saving. We are doomed without the proper assertiveness in our business of maintaining a family. You can’t just throw everything away when you clean up. You must deal with things as needed. I am embarrassed to have anyone over to our house because of the way everything is.
Dog feces and urine everywhere- that is unacceptable. The toilet is always filthy. The tub is always a wreck. Laundry is always in a heap behind the door and the towel is wet, wadded up and well on the way to molding which happens to be a respiratory problem that can kill you!
Mom threw a tantrum and shattered the shower door- it’s still broke and wrapped with plastic sheeting.
Mom has tuned out and refuses to tend to anything. She never answers the phone or deals with any of the things that need to be dealt with. I am losing my mind and shriveling away to nothing. If you really want to understand what has happened to us then you need to see a film- you need to watch a youtube video titled “The Spine”. It’s a short animate film that is life changing. IT WAS ON ANIMATE Channel 573 ShortsHD. That will explain a lot to you. Promise me you will watch that film. 70% of our household battle/problem is money management. 30% of our problems involve PARENTING. I cannot handle these things alone. Mom and I are not married so I am nothing to you legally. I volunteered to be your father and it made me so happy to have you as my own child. But now, because of all of our own selfish devices, we all pay the price. And mom is too proud to see any wrong in anything she does. I withstood all that I could and then some. I had given my whole life to you all- as imperfect as I know I AM THOUGH I ALWAYS TRIED TO BE SOMETHING BETTER. I want our family to be whole again. I want to be wishing all of our family members could feel the love that we shared, for them selves. It’s easier to do than you may think.
I miss you and I love you more than you will ever know. And I will always love you and your mother to death.
And Now I have Nothing At All Because I gave All Of Myself To You.
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