"Love and loss"

 It was the first week of, April, when I got released from the Charlevoix County Jail, as a result of a failure to appear warrant.

The Sheriffs Department came to my office door about midnight or one o'clock, where they stood looking in the window, while I sat at my desk frantically trying to figure out, where our life went wrong, and how to fix it.

Apparently they saw me smoke some grass. They pounded on the door and shined their flashlights in the room. I immediately opened the door but that was before I had thought to go toss my weed in the toilet- weed that I should have been able to have legally but for the input from my paid care-giver, that I should, "stay off of the radar".

That only saved her from the expense of taking me to get the card and the time out of the day, which was a total inconvenience to her lifestyle of doing what she felt when she felt- mostly spending our time and money on all of the wrong things.

This was the greatest source of worry you have when you are partnered up with someone in life.

Anyway, the cops weren't there because I just wouldn't show up.

They were there because Jenny wouldn't put the truck in the barn, which in the winter is a big deal.

It was too far to walk. It was this. It was that. Every excuse in the book was used.

What happened was that she went out to go to work but was too lazy to scrape the ice and snow from the vehicle where it mattered the most.

The windshield wiper in the rear was froze to the glass. She turned on the wiper only to blow the motor in the rear window, which caused for the battery to short out constantly.

For about two weeks the truck battery was always dead but we... or shall I say, I, had no clue why.

Never in a million years would I have figured that one out. It almost cost us one grand total.

It cost me my freedom and a violation to my probation for possession of marijuana that I had already incurred since Jenny called the police to have me removed rather than hear of my complaints regarding, Siena, our daughter, only being grounded for one day from the internet after pulling my hunting knife on her mother over cleaning her room-
which happened to be my idea when Jen said that Siena wanted to have someone over.

My only request was that she clean her room accordingly to entertain a guest for the weekend.

Not getting me my card was the one move she had made to insure herself as the controlling majority- little did I realize.

Anyway, Jen loaded Siena up in the truck and drove her right to McLaren hospital, where she dealt with all of the exact same people that I had been interacting with.

The same bed, doctors, mental health people, all the same- each and everyone of them.

She was referred to a Psychologist who was to counsel Siena. Jenny managed to keep me out of the psych's sights until one day when I called his office and had words over my feelings in the matter.

He was surprised to hear that Siena had me in her life- acting as a father for eight years. I am curious how little of me he knew of. Apparently nothing at all.

The incident regarding my hunting knife was only a day or two after my coming back home from the hospital from a nervous breakdown caused by the stress from this household.

The very stress that I was paying Jenny to help me avoid since I have acute P.T.S.D. and a T.B.I. among other issues from the auto accident of 97.

Little did I know that the truth was that she had become psychologically contaminated by the materialistic women-
materialist and SINGLE women, that she worked so closely with.

This situation was forewarned to me by some men who had these very same problems with their women- wives or otherwise.

Well, I didn't listen but sure enough, she stopped taking, the meat that I smoked, to work for lunch- the very thing that caught the senses of every person there.

Animosity started brewing. Some disgruntle bitches had it in their minds to put a bit of a stop to anything good going on in my relationship but stubborn me, I fought it all the way thinking that I would win.

And in some instances I guess I did win because I am not in the relationship that I cherished so, and worked so hard to maintain.

How can that be seen as a win? Well, I have more money now than I ever did because it's not getting wasted- $800 a month social security not being given to the casino.

I no longer have to worry about anything other than what I want to do with my life- writing mostly.

The only bad part is that I no longer have the fantastic love-making that a person hopes for in a relationship.

The thing you always hear how it is supposed to get better but rarely does without a good partner.

Well, I had that. Now I cannot find a person that I feel that bond and desire with.
It seems I am now mostly impotent where before I was not... many times a day.

A large piece of me is unhappy, I think. And I wonder if I will ever again find a woman that turns me on so much-

Just the thought of putting my hands on her lit my fuse.
To perform a massage on her always turned me on.

And just the last time I was with her, to share time in this restructured mess, when we kissed- the wetness of her mouth, the undeniable wanting of her mouth on mine, I nearly had an orgasm.

I am afraid I will never have that again. But the good thing is, I had it once.

Love, Joy, and Pain- all go together.https://youtu.be/ufWxw8Y5h8g